The Person I Always Wanted To Be

Sometimes I think I’m done growing and evolving. I think I’ve learned “enough” and I become satisfied with that. Complacent. Then all of a sudden – SMACK! Boom! – I’m taken to my next level of growth and understanding.

I said I would become very private and not share anything about my life anymore but I spoke too soon. I’ll be selective in what I share but I don’t think I should completely go off line.

I actually thought I had deleted this blog last month after my last post but a few days later I started receiving new notifications of likes and follows. Apparently I don’t know how to delete a blog haha…What I did was delete my domain name not my blog (insert crying emoji.) I am now trying to recover my previous Domain name. Anyway I hope you guys are happy my blog wasn’t deleted and thank you for showing love.

So for the past year I’ve gone back and forth from being productive to non-productive. I think that’s the struggle for a lot of us. One day we’re on it, the next day we’re not.

Well something strange happened last month. Something…just sort of clicked.

I began to have this insane drive to get everything done. No distractions. Just my dreams and a whole lot of horse power.

The thing is I’ve always had dreams…we all do. The problem for me was not having enough drive and desire to reach them.

Thats no longer a problem.

My daily routine consists of waking up every day around 7 am, I catch up on news, watch self help videos on YouTube, make breakfast, clean up around the house, do laundry, go into our home office where I get work done for a few hours. I’m basically absorbing all the information I possibly can in every possible way right now. I use what’s known as “fast-reading skills” which is something anyone can learn. Videos teaching this technique can be found on YouTube.

Home office – where the magic happens

Ive organized the office filing cabinet which hadn’t been organized in a whole year. I have cleaned my email inbox and organized all incoming emails. I cleaned out all my “favorites” tabs on my computer. All of the videos on YouTube I want to “watch later” are categorized in folders depending what I want to learn about. I have a list of notes for future tiktok videos I want to create as well as a folder of tiktok inspo videos.

I have a folder where I keep notes for future blog posts. I’m also getting ready to launch a new blog called “The Stylish Lives” where I’ll post daily outfits as well as “latest finds” with links. I’ll also be reviewing home goods purchases. I will update you as soon as my new blog is published and live.

The reason I decided on two separate blogs Is because I like a clean silhouette. I want people who are looking for fashion, home decor purchase reviews, style inspo and clothing links to find just that on “The stylish lives” blog. At the same time I want people who are looking for an interesting read to find that on this blog without a problem. I serve “cheeseburgers” on one blog and “lasagna” on the other – I don’t like to mix them up.

Going back to my organization: (I’m super not cool I know) I have all my To-do notes organized in different categories as well as home sheets for cleaning, cooking and expenses detailed and printed. I have all of our home recipes organized in a binder. I also plan our monthly trips and vacations as well as Layla’s homeschool curriculum and sports. I have a schedule for our daily vitamin and health supplement intake since it’s different for each family member. I have lists of which places and people I will call each day, what Mail I will send out, what places I will go to, what things are needed to be bought, and what steps come first in achieving my goals.

Strangely…It doesn’t wear me out and I willingly have no “off days”. I feel motivated every day to chip away at my goals and lists. I don’t feel exhausted or tired. I just feel glad I get to wake up and go after what I want.

So how did this happen? How did I become the person I had always wanted to be? I became my higher self…and part of me is still stunned and confused because I don’t know how it happened.

If I had to pin point it to something I would say…I have 100% laser focus on my goals and no distractions. I also have a very clear vision of what I want and a strategy on how I’m going to get it with different plans of action. It’s not one path. It’s a lot of “paths” with precise planning and strategy. The road to success is never one road. It’s many roads carefully planned.

The fastest way to achieve your goals is to fast-read through information pertaining to your goals. Knowledge comes first. Skills and talent comes second.

By the way, Layla has really been surprising me lately. She downloaded a drawing app on her phone thats similar to Adobe. She’s been making different artwork on there and it’s not only impressively good but I’m surprised she knows how to use all the complicated tools in the app! She’s only 8. Jeez Louise.

She made this drawing using only her fingers…the detail is just wow.
Again the details !! She really puts time into her drawings

Then this morning during breakfast she told me about another app she downloaded. This time it’s a game app where shes building a restaurant business. She told me she’s been working really hard to buy all the things her business needs. Sometimes I just nod and said, “right!” But inside I’m containing how shocked I am. I mean this might be normal behavior for kids these days but I just know I wasn’t downloading any apps at her age or even remotely thinking of owning a business. She’s been talking business since the age of 4.

I’ve been listening to the BlackPink essentials album on Apple Music non stop lately. I’m obsessed with BlackPink. I check Ticketmaster every week to see if they have any concert tours lined up. Sadly BlackPink isn’t touring right now.

Also, I’m gearing up to share some pivotal information on here so stay tuned.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

PS. Here’s a photo dump from our trip to Joshua Tree recently:

At the Cabazon Dinosaurs 🦖 near Palm Springs Ca. White shirt is Ralph Lauren, striped bathing suit is from a boutique, jeans are from Target and jelly sandals are from Nordstrom rack.
Family picture
Before going in to the Cabazon museum
At the hotel resort about to get in the pool
Drying off in the sun after a nice swim sesh
Swimsuit: boutique store inside princess cruise ship, sunglasses: Quay Australia
I took this photo with my phone on “night mode” at Joshua Tree during the meteor shower. It was an incredible experience.
I love seeing her happy
Ballet babes 🩰

A Day In My Life

In Santa Monica

I’ll prefix this by saying every day of my life is different but this was my day today..

I woke up at 5:45 am accidentally as I’ve been doing recently. I’m not sure why I wake up at ungodly hours on my own but I will stay awake for half an hour or so and then drift back to sleep. I do enjoy seeing the sun rise though. I mean I don’t actually get up and see it rise…But I watch the glowy light come through my window as I lay in bed. It’s pretty spectacular.

At around 9 am I woke up, and watched some YouTube videos on past life regression before getting out of bed. Side story here – I paid a professional hypnotist a few days ago to do a past life regression on me. It was such a bizarre experience (which is what I live for in a way.) Anyway, I was able to see quite a lot and it’s still very surreal.

Dr.Elena, the hypnotist, helped navigate me through my past life regression and I’m glad she did because I don’t think it would’ve been the same without her. Especially since it was my first time and I didn’t really know what I was doing.

It surprisingly didn’t even feel like I was “hypnotized.” I just felt my body very heavy and I could feel some type of energy over it but a good peaceful energy. She relaxed me with her voice for a good half hour before we began the journey into my past lives.

I honestly wasn’t sure if it would even work. We were having trouble in the beginning, as images looked blurry, scrambled and at times I didn’t see anything. I wondered if maybe it was a waste of my money. Dr. Elena didn’t seem surprised in the slightest and simply used her soothing voice to direct me.

Then…it started. I saw a boys bright happy face looking at me. I saw us laughing and running around. I had two short black braids and fair skin. We were both 10 years old. I could see the green grass and the river nearby. It was France in the 1500s. I knew who the boy was right away…It’s the person I’m currently talking to in this lifetime.

I saw my mother rushing me in to wash my hands for supper. I knew right away that I loved her and that she was a good caring mother. She was always in a rush, very disciplined and responsible but loving nonetheless. She told me my father would be home soon and sure enough as I was coming back from washing my hands (in a basin) I saw my father walk in. My heart stopped as I was watching this because all of a sudden I felt emotions surface up. I knew my father back then was a good dad and I loved him. As he walked in he turned over and smiled at me in his familiar warm way before sitting at the wooden table we had. His clothes were dirty from work and he looked very tired but his eyes lit up when he looked over at me. He loved me and I loved him.

Our house sort of looked like this but it was a single story with double wooden doors.
This was the dress my mother was wearing but hers was a maroon color

Physically my dad had quite a large belly, a dark mustache and a small gap between his front teeth but he had the most radiant warmest energy. Being able to see this part of my past life was emotional because It was like seeing my dad again after not having seen him in a very long time. When I remember this part of my past life regression I miss him. I miss my dad.

I saw myself run over to the table and sit with my family – my parents and a sister (who was about a year older than me.) Once seated to eat dinner my mother said, “let’s pray” and we bowed our heads to pray. We lived in a small house made of brick and stone with two wooden front doors. We were poor but happy. We had candles lit at night and we were eating what looked like beef stew and bread. My mother told me I shouldn’t play with boys so much as I was always getting hurt. I squirmed around a little and smiled mischievously but said nothing and kept eating my food. I liked playing with boys way too much to stop. I had to laugh when I saw this because it was funny to see how I’ve been a tomboy in past lives as well.

During dinner my parents talked between each other about my fathers job and money matters. We were poor so it seemed money (or the lack of) was always a topic. My sister and I ate our food happily though. We were used to hearing our parents talk about money troubles. It was nothing new.

After dinner my sister and I performed a silly dance for our parents as we normally did most evenings. We sang a song in French and giggled as we danced around. My parents watched us from the table amused as they did most nights. My mother almost had a look of “oh no here they go again” but she was smiling anyway.

Afterwards I played with our family dog. He wasn’t a very attractive dog but he was our dog. I scratched his neck playfully. Later that night once in bed, I thought about how I wanted to see the new boy (I was playing with earlier) again. I couldn’t wait to play with him the next day.

In short, that boy and I grew up, he asked my parents permission for my hand in marriage, my dad was beaming with joy, he clearly approved. My mother was happy but she just worried and wanted to make sure we didn’t fornicate before marriage. Apparently those were religious times and from what I researched there were strict rules around sex, so much that they even had a sex court and you were severely punished for committing sexual acts that were against the law. Even married you could only have sex if it was with the intention to have children. Crazy stuff right? No wonder my mother gave us “the look” that evening.

We celebrated with dinner at home with my family that night and a plain round cake. No frosting. Just a plain cake. This was the best we could do since we didn’t have much money. We were happy though.

My sister teased my new fiancé with, “well you know what this means right? You now have a new annoying sister for life.” We all laughed.

We got married – it was a very simple wedding. My dad was next to me and told me where to sign on a long official paper. I had never done this before so I appreciated his guidance and support. I was only 16. I had a long white dress on with long sleeves – it was nothing fancy but it was white. I also had a simple flower crown on my head.

Once we stepped outside after we had signed documents, the village people were waiting to congratulate us. They wanted to be there and be a part of it. They gathered around us on the grassy hill outside. My husband took my hands in his in front of everyone, looked me in the eyes smiling and said, “I promise to make you happy forever!” People cheered and clapped and the village drunks poured each other wine to celebrate. The village people walked us down the pebble stone road to what would be our newlywed home. Kids ran joyfully In front of us. I felt very happy.

Side note: I had no idea what a peasant wedding was like back then but I looked it up and apparently this was all accurate.

We had kids – lots of them. We had a very happy family, and we laughed often. My husband usually chased the kids around the house playfully while they ran from him laughing. We loved each other. He really did make me happy. I died at an old age of what seemed like bronchitis. I was coughing so much. I had grey and white hair. I was In a bed at home surrounded by my family. They knew I was dying. My husband was sitting in a chair by my bed. We were both old and a lot heavier. He leaned over and kissed my forehead and said “I love you” with tears going down his cheeks right before I passed away.

Side note: I flunked history class all through high-school because I had no interest in knowing about dead people. So going into this, I literally had no idea what life was like in France in the 1500s. It’s surreal that I now have an understanding of that time.

I also saw my previous life before this one which blew my mind. I was 20 years old in 1954. My name was Dolores. I was attractive, slim, with big perky breast’s. I was a little surprised with the breasts. I just didn’t imagine having those on me. I had to do a double take.

Anyway, my dad was white and my mom was Hispanic so I was mixed. We were middle class and I was an only child. My parents worked a lot and were mostly absent. Even when they were around they weren’t very expressive.

I lived in a two story home in California. It was painted white and it was on a Main Street. One of my girlfriends told me not to go with a boy who Invited me out. I didn’t listen to her and went with him anyway. He was a rich boy and had a brand new corvette. It was shiny blue with cream leather interior seats. I really liked the car. What I didn’t like is that he wanted to “park” and make out. He was a moderately handsome guy with very nice blonde hair slicked back but I didn’t actually like him in that way. I especially didn’t like him feeling up on me. So I told him to stop and when he wouldn’t, I got out of the car. It was dark outside. We seemed to be by a park. I stood on the sidewalk near a tree. He got out and came over to me. He was so angry. He kept shouting at me while I stood there annoyed with my arms crossed. He was supposed to have taken me dancing but instead all he wanted to do was park and make out. I asked him to just take me home. He was still angry but agreed. “Oh I’ll take you home alright! If that’s what you want!” He said.

We got back in the car and as he drove, he kept shouting angrily. I wondered if he was going to calm down. I didn’t understand why he was so angry. Then all of a sudden I saw a trucks headlights coming toward us, I heard loud honking, and the next thing that happened is we crashed and died. I saw the police tell my parents the news at our front door step that night. I saw my mother cry into her hands uncontrollably. I saw how my dad tried to pull it together but my mom couldn’t. For years she cried and blamed herself for my death. I got choked up and I wanted to tell her not to cry anymore. I wanted to tell her I didn’t blame her. I’m simply impulsive sometimes and don’t think things through all the way. I should’ve listened to my friend. Anyway I didn’t blame my mom and I didn’t want her to cry. It broke my heart. We weren’t very close but I just couldn’t see her cry like that. It still makes me sad to remember. I could see her sitting in the recliner chair in our living room crying. I had never seen anyone cry like that before. It was painful to watch. She was just so broken over my death for so long…

Dr.Elena asked me how I felt living in that time period before I died. I told her I felt excited. My friends were constantly picking me in their car to go have fun. I wanted to have a career in either dancing or being on television. My friends would encourage me. “You oughta do it Dolores! You’re good at it!” I had so many aspirations and dreams right before I died.

Dr.Elena then had me visit a memory from before I died in that life that was meaningful to me. I wondered what I would see. Then instantly I was there…It was my sweet 16 party. I saw everything – The round cake with frosting and 16 candles, the long pretty pink lace dress I had on, my friends being goofballs, 50s music records playing in the living room, etc. What was memorable though was that after all my friends sang me happy birthday, my parents wanted to say a few words. They told me they were proud of me, and they knew I would do big things. They were also proud of my good grades in school. Then they wished me a happy birthday. I got teary eyed because they had never told me anything like this before. I didn’t even know they thought that highly of me.

I was opening presents and one of my guy friends said, “Dolores if you don’t like mine you can return it.” He was teasing me. He had a big smile on his face. I smiled back and said, “Don’t be silly! Of course I’ll love it.” I undid the ribbon from the brown paper wrapped gift. Then I noticed a boy in the crowd. It was someone I had a crush on from school. He looked at me with big loving blue eyes. That night was simply wonderful for me. I continued to open presents. It was mostly clothes. I held a nice cardigan up for everyone to see. I also was given a thin silver watch. I was about to see more but my past life regression was over after that. Dr. Elena brought me out of hypnosis soon after as our time was up.

It makes sense to me now why I love dancing so much and why I’ve been so fixated on the 1950s era ever since I was a teenager.

This was a bizarre experience as part of me was wondering if I made this all up but the other part knows I simply saw the images and information as it was coming to me. I could’ve never imagined all of it as it was things I had no idea about. Also I never would’ve imagined my name was Dolores. Or that my father was white and my mother Hispanic. I kept rejecting the name “Dolores” but it kept being repeated to me until I finally said, “Ok I guess my name was Dolores.” I thought it was a strange name but after doing some research I found out it was one of the most popular names in that time period.

Past life regression is interesting to me and I might try it again on my own. I want to see more things from my life in the 50s. I also want to explore more memories I have with the person I’m talking to.

Anyway back to today (sorry for the side track) I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and then had breakfast with my mom. My younger brother was helping my daughter with the Nintendo switch he got her for her birthday. He’s staying the weekend with us which is nice since we hadn’t seen him in a while. My uncle came to visit too but he was outside working around the house with his portable radio on. He just turned 76. He has the sharpest memory I’ve ever witnessed and he’s more confident than most people. I love those things about him.

After breakfast I sorted through mail which I accidentally let pile up for 2 weeks but most of it was junk so it’s not a biggie. Then I got ready to go to Valencia. I needed to exchange some lululemon shorts and I also needed to pick up my moms prescription.

I drove through the mountains overlooking gorgeous views for an hour listening to classic oldies. It’s so therapeutic for me to drive, listen to music and think about my life.

The exchange at Lululemon was very easy and simple. I had gotten shorts that were too big and Lululemon let me exchange them even though it was after 30 days from the purchase. Wow. I’ll definitely be purchasing more from them. Anyway the sales lady was amazing and quickly brought a pair of black leggings in my correct size and now I have my first pair of classic Lululemon leggings. I know it’s lame but I see other girls wear them at my Pilates class and I really wanted a pair too.

Anyway, I decided to stop at Lazy Dog, the restaurant to grab something to eat. I was quickly seated and a waiter promptly came over to get my drink order and then my meal order. He was a young man in his 20s. He made me laugh when he told me I couldn’t have dessert with my meal. He looked like he was joking but he really wasn’t. No one had ever told me I couldn’t have dessert with my meal. I’ve always done it that way. This waiter told me I had to finish my food first and then he would bring me my dessert. He had a funny way of saying it and I almost couldn’t stop laughing. I had the wok-calamari which is a favorite of mine now, and eventually he brought me my warm apple pie.

I watched “pitch perfect” on my phone while I ate my food. Once I was done I asked for the check and tipped my waiter $12. He was constantly checking to see if I needed something or if everything was good and he made me laugh so I felt he deserved a tip. He was gracious about it, thanked me and wished me a good day.

Anyway as I was leaving, an older man stopped me and told me, “hey cmere.” so I walked over to him and his friend. They were white men in their 60s wearing cargo shorts and polo shirts. They were sitting at a table that faced the one I had sat in. He Introduced himself and his friend and told me they were both watching me and said “we think you’re the classiest lady we’ve ever seen. I just wanted to tell you that and I hope you have a nice day.” Ohmygosh he was so sweet. I thanked them kindly and then left but wow. What a compliment. I’ll never forget it.

Bathroom selfie at the LAZY DOG restaurant

After that I went to the pharmacy inside Albertsons to pick up my moms prescription for progesterone. It’s what her hormone doctor prescribed her. She’s doing so much better lately now that she’s on bio-identical hormones for her menopause. Ive been taking her to a hormone specialist in Santa Monica.

Once home, I had a little bit of dinner with my mom, uncle, and brother. I had already ate at the restaurant but my family wanted me to have dinner with them so I made myself a small plate of food. My mom made my brothers favorite: chili meat, rice and beans. She also made strawberries and cream for dessert. I forgot I wasn’t hungry once I started eating. Everything was so good.

After dinner my uncle wanted to be taken home so we got in the car to make the drive to his home.

Layla & Sophie – I might be putting them into modeling for Disney print work.

I had no idea that my uncle had declared his love for my mom earlier and my mom turned him down saying she could never date one of her ex husbands brothers. She was nice about it but I think my uncle might’ve felt a bit awkward and that’s why he wanted to be taken home early.

I don’t know if we’ll be seeing my uncle very much anymore. It makes me sad because he’s like a grandpa to me but he made things a little awkward now.

Anyway, I stopped at the Fastrip gas station to get gas. When I walked in all this nostalgia hit me. This was the store I always went into as a kid. I used to buy the hot potato wedges after school… I was happy to see they still had them. My brother and our friends used to play on the arcade machines by the entrance. Now lotto machines were there. We used to get slushees. Now they were in the back instead of in the middle of the store. It was a little different but basically still the same. It was weird but nice to be transported back to those times.

Once we got home, I watched part of a new show “I’m not Ok” with my brother Dion before my other brother Damian and his wife came over. My brothers wife is 3 months pregnant so we talked about pregnancy things at the table for a while. Then my brother Damian joined the conversation and we talked and caught up with each other’s lives.

It’s funny because we didn’t grow up being close. We’ve had to learn to build family patterns we didn’t even have. Our parents were well intentioned but there’s was no “Ohana” bonding in our family. I’m honestly proud of how far we’ve come.

After my brother and his wife left, my mom and I sat on the sofa and chatted for a while about my girls trip to Napa Valley next month with my 2 girl friends. We had an amazing girls trip a year and half ago and now we’re about to do it again for my friends Birthday.

We’re also going to Disneyland, Legoland, and a Dodgers game next month as a family. So far a lot of amusement parks and places are only open to California residents this summer due to Covid. That means this is the first summer we don’t have to worry about Disneyland, Six-flags or Legoland being overcrowded. The Dodgers stadium should be back at its full capacity next month when we go (50 thousand people.) I prefer a full stadium though. It’s more exciting.

At 10 pm Layla and I brushed our teeth and got into bed. I told her I loved her and snuggled with her for a while until she finally fell asleep. Then I wrote this blog post.

Tomorrow we have our first family park day. I got Layla and Sophie bikes, scooters, roller skates, kites, bubbles, frisbees, and a bounce ball. I’ve always seen other families do this but our family never did so I decided to start the tradition. I can’t wait for tomorrow.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Maybe China was right

I saw a tiktok yesterday where a mother was asked by her son what advice would she give to her younger self. She answered “Don’t get married, don’t have kids.” It was a funny video but the viewers could tell she was not entirely joking.

The comments were going off and I couldn’t disagree with the people saying Marriage and children drain women (and men.) I’ve been saying this for years now… DONT HAVE KIDS LOL. Do I love my child? Oh absolutely. I adore her. I don’t regret having her at all. Was I ready to have her? No. No, I wasn’t.

I’ve been Mickey mousing it, as most of us do. I have read all kinds of parenting books and googled the shizload out of everything. It’s like getting a doctors degree! I have done things that broke me just to make sure she’s ok. I also put my body through hell for her (and I still need that tummy tuck because no it’s not a badge of honor for me Susan. If it were up to me Tummy tucks would be FREE after giving birth. Who’s with me?)

Anyway, I’m not the perfect parent as no one is, but dammit I try. I try to make time to read her “chika chika boom boom” at night, I cuddle with her when she wants me to, I take her with me to run errands and she loves singing songs in the car with me. She’s a real person. Her life is literally in my hands. I think about that all the time. If I mess up… then I’ll ruin her life.

I’m trying to make sure I don’t ruin this. There’s a couple of learning blocks when raising a human being. Those blocks are: raising a child emotionally, socially, financially and academically.

In a perfect world people would only be allowed to have a child similar to the process of buying a new home: can you afford it and what’s your credit score? only those qualified would be allowed to have a child. However in the world we live in there are zero limits as to who can have a child and how many. Why? Political reasons but sssshhhh we won’t get Into that. No one is ready for that answer.

My point is I think China was right with the one child policy. Maybe entrepreneurs and business owners would be granted more children depending on certain factors like income, emotional stability and being clean from drug addictions. This policy would weed out all the people definitely not ready for children and would therefore eliminate so much child suffering and abuse, not to mention the huge problem Los Angeles has with their foster child placement system. They have way more children than people who can take them in. In a perfect world people wouldn’t be allowed to just procreate without a license but that’s just my two cents. Young women would have their tubes tied at puberty and untied only when the required criteria to have a child has been met. The tube process would be free and covered by our state taxes. I’m sorry, I really get into this. Does anyone want me to run for mayor or Vice President ? Haha…I’m kidding…but I am passionate about changing the world and changing the way we have kids.

When people have too many kids it’s almost impossible to give each child a high quality of life in all areas needed. It’s simply careless and irresponsible to churn them out like a factory. It happens though. Not because people are careless but mainly because there are no laws in place. There’s no direction. People normally need direction in life.

With one child only you’re able to give them a dream life much more easily than if you had 9 children. I’d much rather give Layla a dream life than to give 9 children a mediocre life at best.

The thing with children is… you will never stop worrying about them until the day you die. You also have no idea who you’re going to birth. It could be Darla from the little rascals or it could be Freddy Kruger. Let’s spin the wheel of fortune. I just don’t think people understand how serious having children is. I would never judge anyone for deciding not to have children. This isn’t Disneyland folks. This is planet earth where Hell & Heaven collide. Yes, heaven and hell exist… here on earth. Those who decide to have children here have some really big shoes to fill and “May the force be with them.”

Again, If there’s one thing China got right… it’s the one child policy for me. Tell me I’m wrong…but there’s a reason moms drink wine all day.

I’ve been getting Layla ready by telling her not to have children until she’s ready in all areas. I want her life to be better. I’m also not trying to have grand babies to take care of. Honey, when I retire I’m not watching no ones kids. I’ll be on vacation traveling the world thank you very much.

I wasn’t born to run a daycare. I love children, they’re precious and holding them for an hour is fine, but I got things to do, places to be. Life is short and I’m trying to enjoy every minute. Changing diapers and hearing loud crying isn’t “lit”…I can do it once maybe twice (raising a child that is) but definitely not more than that. I’m just keeping it real. I think most women weren’t born to run a daycare and they only realize it once they’re stuck with an army of kids. It’s too late to go back at that point.

I’m at the point of my life where Layla is growing up. She’s 8 years old. She’s almost completely self sufficient. Wanna know something though? I hardly ever tell anyone this but…I’ve been cleaning diapers and poop for the last 8 years of her life. She was born with a digestive disorder and it was something really hard for the both of us to go through. I can’t imagine adding more kids to the mix after that. The good news is her condition is getting better after doing probiotic enemas on her. She basically had very little good gut bacteria, suffered with constipation all the time and couldn’t digest a lot of foods properly. For years I tried everything… prunes, juices, probiotics in yogurts and powders, suppositories, laxatives, diet changes, massages, and everything else under the sun. A month ago I sat alone with my thoughts and pondered on a probiotic enema. I got to work researching it and found out it could be the missing puzzle piece. So far I have administered two probiotic enemas on Layla with very positive results. Her body is showing progress and reacting favorably. I’m very hopeful and excited to have cracked a code and help her make a full health recovery.

She was feeling so good today after emptying out her bowels – she feels absolutely terrible when constipated – but today she was a chatter mouth. I absolutely love it. She told me she wants to have toothbrushes as “merch” for her YouTube Chanel and she wants balloons on them as the “logo”. I swear to God I don’t know where she gets all this from. She’s always talking business.

Then a few minutes later she walks into my room, looks me in the eye with a stern seriousness usually only adults have, and says, “Mommy you should just do YouTube. You don’t need to do any other kind of work.” I was a little surprised. It almost felt like an angel was speaking through her. I stammered a little and said ok.

The thing is I love creating content, and I always have a lot to say. I love finding the best movies, music, clothes, restaurants, travel spots, and everything anyone could think of and sharing it. I feel deep down it’s what I was made for. I felt like an angel was giving me a push. A stern push but a push.

I have my life insurance license and I obviously don’t plan on skipping out on that but I would love to do both things. I do believe in God and angels speaking through people.

Changing the subject…I saw a video on tiktok where a girl proposed the following: going on a year of airbnb trips with other tiktok girls and becoming besties. The comments went crazy. Girls were saying they would be down for it, and everyone was brain storming. A girl came up with a sign up list and shared the link. Me being the Aries that I am, I signed up for it. I wouldn’t do the full year as I obviously have a family but I would do one month for sure. Are you kidding me? It sounds like the experience of a lifetime! Tiktok girls traveling and YouTubing the experience?? Sign me UPPPPP!!! I swear to God this sounds like a movie script in the making. Hell I’d be the one to turn it into a book and movie. I don’t know how my mom would feel about it since she relies so much on me being home but I’d promise to FaceTime every night and send her all the money she needs. My only question is: how safe would this be? I guess I’ll think about that over the next few days.

Ps. I think my self defense instructor definitely has a crush on me. Yesterday he was accidentally knocking things over after saying hi to me. Then he said “good morning” when it was 7 pm to a kid walking in. He laughed and apologized. It was kind of funny. He also gave me hand sanitizer that smelled like men’s cologne. It was the strangest thing. My hands literally smelled like men’s cologne. I almost wonder if he dropped some of his cologne into the sanitizer bottle. Through out the class he would smile at me and afterwards he sent me a sweet text message telling me he didn’t get a chance to say bye to me and that he likes my passion and dedication in class. I’m flattered but a little confused. He’s Korean and he runs the Tae-Kwon do studio. I would never imagine a Korean guy would be interested outside of their race. It just seems pretty ballsy of him. Anyway I’m always fascinated at what guys do when they’re falling in love. I swear to God he put something in the sanitizer bottle. I let my mom smell my hands when I got home and she made a face right away and said “that’s men’s cologne. He wants you to think of him.”

Thanks for reading,

Denise

I Got A Make-Over

I have a lot to catch you up on.

First however I want to show you the way light comes into my room in the mornings. It’s kind of amazing.

So last week I did a little shopping and I’m going to share my finds because I found some staple wardrobe pieces. The fashion world calls it a “capsule wardrobe.” Basically they’re pieces that you can wear with almost anything and it’s timeless, classic.

I was shopping for Layla and Sophie’s Easter basket goodies (I like to buy and fill their baskets myself) when I came across the most amazing pair of heels inside Macy’s.

I mean look at them. I literally held them in my hands and said “F@$& these are sexy.” Theres a lot of designers coming out with the thong sandal this spring but GUESS takes the trophy in my opinion. They kept the design sleek, sophisticated, comfortable and yet unbelievably sexy. For $69 you don’t break the bank either. It’s a winner. I definitely had to get them. It’s nice that they come in different colors too.

Then I was walking by White House Black Market and spotted this gorgeous magenta dress in their window display. I did a U-turn and walked straight in to their store.

The magenta dress looks divine with the sun hitting it. It’s flowy, feminine and a real show stopper. It makes me want to sing the song “I feel pretty.” It’s also incredibly comfortable and soft.

The next dress is such a classic. It’s a black button down shirt dress. It feels buttery soft and lightweight – perfect for summer. It says: sophisticated to the max but make it fashion. I would wear this to an art gallery show, museum trip, a nice vacation, or casual shopping.

Both dresses are 30% off online right now. You can buy them in store as well – just tell them to price match the online sale and they will honor it.

Next I stopped at Home Goods to see if they had any Easter baskets or goodies but they had zero at this particular store but I found a round mirror for our entry way by Max Studio and It was perfect.

I had been wanting to re-decorate our entry way into something more minimal and modern. Like this:

Next I needed a cool wooden entry table but it took me a few days to find.

I didn’t get these but it’s worth putting in here because If I had a balcony or porch I totally would’ve picked these chairs up. I really like the design.

I ended up finding everything I needed for Layla and Sophie’s Easter baskets at Wal-Mart this year. I’ll be doing a separate blog post on how to put Easter baskets together. I’ll be posting it tomorrow since I know Easter is soon approaching.

So my aunt Cecilia’s funeral viewing was a few days ago.

The funeral viewing was mostly everything my aunt would’ve wanted. Almost all of her family and friends were there, some shared moments and stories about her that were heart felt, other times funny.

My mom, cousin and I walked up to the casket to see my aunt. Her daughters glammed her up, and my aunt looked nice with her jewelry, make up and hair nicely done.

Still it almost feels like you’re seeing a mannequin. It’s no longer an actual living human being. It’s now a body without the spirit. Our spirit is really what makes the body move and come alive. Without it… we’re just…a mannequin. My uncle cried as we stood there remembering her. We talked about how funny she was and laughed.

Almost everyone remarked how funny she was and what a hustler she was as a single mother. She bought a house when her kids were young even though she was shaking inside, not sure if she could handle the payments. She wanted her kids to have a good life though. She sold tea cup chihuahuas and clothes on the side and she made it happen.

At this point I don’t feel sad anymore about my aunt passing. I miss her and wish I could hear her voice and see her but I know she’s ok and that’s what comforts me. She’s with her other family now. She wouldn’t want any of us to be sad. I feel that it’s a matter of time before we’re reunited. Until then I get to enjoy being with my earthly family while she enjoys being with her spirit family. In a way it’s like the movie COCO… yes it’s a children’s movie and some things are added for theatric purposes but there is a spirit world. My aunt is not gone. We’re just in different places away from each other right now.

I sat there listening to stories being told of my aunt and it reminded me of myself. I usually make people laugh without trying to just like she did. I think I got my dry humor from her.

I’m also a single mother and I have always made it happen one way or another for Layla. I’ve sometimes wondered if Layla knows just how much I’ve sacrificed for her. I designed and made her a dream little girls room, took her on more vacations than most adults ever go on, enrolled her in a summer camp, bought her nearly every toy she’s ever wanted and dressed her fashionably since the day she was born. Did I spoil her? Maybe. Then again so did my parents, my siblings and every person who knew her ha-ha. She was bound to be spoiled one way or another. Still she behaves well in public and at home. My parenting style of discipline is very much “Madea.” If there was a Madea school of discipline for parents I wouldn’t just be passing the class… I’d be teaching the class. Just kidding haha. I do love me some Madea though. I think no matter how much a kid is given the most important thing is to teach kids compassion, the value of money, and hard work.

A little “Madea” doesn’t hurt either.

last night Layla told me she doesn’t want to die and stop having her awesome fun life. She also said she wouldn’t want to have another family that wasn’t “strong and brave” like me. I love that she sees me as someone strong and brave. I’m glad I’m giving her the right example. Im also glad she knows I’m doing my best to give her a good life.

“I don’t want you to die and I don’t want to die…” she said softly as she leaned on her pillow last night. “Well, hopefully we’ll live to be 100!” I said optimistically.

“No. Maybe 70 or 80,” she said, “-that’s a good age because that’s when most people die.” I smiled and said Ok.

I showed her pictures of her dad for the first time the other day. Sometimes she’ll make a remark about him so I thought she might be curious. I remember being so afraid of him. I’m not anymore. I laugh now at how young my mentality was back then.

Was I right to keep her from him though? Yes I still believe I was. He trafficked drugs through airports and was unstable emotionally. However he was a person too. I think it’s important to honor people despite their flaws. I’ve learned that no one is entirely a saint nor a sinner. He had a good side too but that didn’t mean he was safe to be around.

The thing about him is he grew up poor in a bad neighborhood with gangs, and a single mother who worked three jobs and never saw him. When she did see him, she was burned out and tired. One day she told him she wished she never had him. She obviously didn’t mean it like that. She was tired and shouldn’t have said that but that memory stayed with him forever. When we were together he talked to his mom on the phone almost every day and he would always send her money. She was his everything but still…the scar remained. He couldn’t trust anyone and he had a hard time feeling valued as a human being. There’s always a back story but like I said…that didn’t mean he was safe to be around. You can love people and feel empathy but you have to put your safety and especially a child’s safety first.

Would I ever let her meet him? That’s questionable. First I don’t know where he is or anything about him. Secondly, even if I did, I don’t know that I would want to establish a relationship between them. If it’s a one time thing…maybe. A relationship? No. My relationship with him was toxic and I doubt it would be different with Layla. However a one time visit would probably be ok with me one day in the future, as long as he’s changed occupations.

Layla’s reaction to seeing him in pictures was funny. She smiled as if she sort of saw herself in him and then she tried changing the subject by saying “That’s a lame hat.” I rolled my eyes and said “Layla that is a nice fedora hat -what are you talking about??” It was just her way of diverting from making it an emotional moment.

She seemed happy though. I think it’s nice to know where you come from and why you act the way you do.

Anyway, I had been wanting a make over for a little while now. I feel different…and I think differently so I wanted my outward appearance to reflect that.

I went with this hair cut Inspired by the character Adele from the new show “behind her eyes” :

I know long hair is beautiful and blah blah blah…but I wanted something cool, sophisticated, put together, sharp, smart and down-to-business. And this was IT.

This hairstyle is not for every face just FYI. Some women look amazing with long hair and some look amazing with short hair. This just works for me.

Trish, my hairstylist of many years now, is absolutely incredible and does any hair style exactly like the pictures I show her. I love seeing her and catching up. She loves business as much as I do so it’s nice to bounce ideas off each other.

Anyway I went in for a massage with my MT the other day and it was an interesting experience…I almost couldn’t believe it was happening. I mean I’ve heard of it… but I just never really imagined being in that scenario. Basically all the signals a massage therapist can give you to let you know “there’s more where that came from”…well, yes…he did that. The thing is I really like my MT but I had to tell him to tone it down. He’s great at what he does, he’s hilarious, and he’s also been a key stone for my life improvement lately but I just don’t want it to go there. I know my sex life and love life are non-existent but that doesn’t mean I’ll go for it outside of a relationship. In my mind everything has a time and a place and this would be extremely out of place.

Does that make him a pervert? Hardly. He’s a person with hormones just like the rest of us. Hes tall, handsome and has amazing long hair. So I’m not exactly “offended.” Anyway I can’t blame him for getting turned on. I just need him to control himself and tone it down. I’ll see him again in two weeks.

I’ll end this post by sharing the before & after of our new entry way:

I found the entry table at another Home Goods store for $250. It was discounted from being originally $499 because it has a few scratches on the top. Nothing that can’t be fixed with a little stainer. Anyway this Home Goods store is bigger than the last one I went to and oh my goodness the selection was incredible! They have such a huge stock of everything to make your home look modern and fresh. The round mirror with the wooden tables are the IT furniture pieces right now. I just need to add a woven basket from pottery barn underneath, fill it with a throw blanket and presto. I find myself walking over just to stare at it because I love it so much.

Favorite show right now is the Netflix series “Holo” (stands for hologram.) It’s kind of cool to think of having a personal friend that’s a hologram… as long as it doesn’t turn on you because you know it’s kind of hard to trust robots.

Favorite song right now is “Are you bored yet?” By the wallows. It’s not new but I just really love it.

Thanks for reading,

Denise