Life Without Social Media

I have two fascinations that are really no surprise to anyone who follows my blog. I’m fascinated with the effect of social media on people as well as cult religions. Naturally, I talk about those topics often. I am unplugged from both and so it fascinates me to look at them from an outside perspective or should I say…without the rose colored glasses.

I don’t believe social media should exist. Neither should dating apps. They are both unnatural to the human psyche. Not only is it a terribly unnatural way to connect, but people in general don’t usually put their best foot forward online. We tend to say what we shouldn’t, post things we later regret where we either said too much, showed too much or looked a little too silly. We tend to joke about things only our friends would understand and get upset the whole internet didn’t “get it.” I mean it was just a joke guys. Haha. The truth is there’s a sense of humor that is shared only between us and our closest friends who share our views on life. Inviting everyone else in is usually asking for a train wreck.

Is it wrong to show our true selves on the internet? Not necessarily. We’re imperfect and that’s ok. I love people who are confident AF and comfortable in their skin. However, to truly be loved and accepted by others people usually need to warm up to us first. Not everything we say or do sits well with others specially without warming up to us.

The internet sort of hits everyone’s quirkiness, craziness, and oddness right smack into people’s faces without any warm up session beforehand. I think we should at least be aware that it takes TIME for people to warm up and accept us as we are. While we can aim for a certain amount of people to accept us as we are and love us despite our crazy weird sides, it’s not realistic to believe the whole internet full of strangers will do that as soon as they “meet us.”

I see more down falls to living a life online than positives. A lot of people lose their jobs over their social media accounts, and while that might sound unfair, the truth is not everyone needs to know every thing you do, think and breathe. Sometimes its really better that they don’t because everything we think and do isn’t always the best thing. Many times we are still forming our own ideas and they are still interchangeable. It’s nice to make transitions in private instead of publicly. It’s harder for the public to accept you’ve changed your whole belief system even though that’s natural as we evolve with time and new knowledge.

I think the internet used for movements of justice and freedom is possibly the greatest thing in the world. Justice and Freedom will always be the most beautiful thing we can get together on in person or on the internet.

‘Personal use’ of social media is a judgement zone though. I don’t see why anyone needs that kind of scrutiny into their life. We easily assume things of others that are simply not true based off a few posts. We hate when others do it but we do it too. It’s so easy to misjudge and assume what we don’t know. In fact, I would bet a lot of money that it’s one of the easiest things for people to do.

I’d rather not put my life out there for people to misjudge. If they’re going to get it wrong I’d rather they get it wrong about someone else. They can turn on the tv and watch the Kardashians if they really need to feed their “assuming” tank. They might even be right with the Kardashians.

I know people mostly seek validation from social media but people need to learn how to validate themselves. People need to learn to heal their inner child and fix their self esteem. So many people have shattered self esteem and they depend on social media like a granny depends on her… depends. Sorry. I had to. Haha.

Sometimes I’m driving in my car by myself through the hills and I ponder and meditate about life. I’ve thought about how much I enjoy my life and how no one really knows about it except my family and close friends. I like that privacy. I wouldn’t have said that a year ago. I used to love sharing it all on social media. I’ve come a long way though.

I ponder on how much joy and fulfilment I get from interacting with the locals in the town I live in. They’re wonderful people. The beauty of this small town is breath taking. It looks like a movie scene on every corner.

I’ve thought about how much I enjoy the weather, the views, my car, home, food, family, friends and fun activities. I used to see everything as “post worthy” before and now I hardly reach for my phone except to take a photo for my personal memory. I love that I live a real life, not a social media one.

Ive learned to live in the moment without social media. When my eyes open in the morning I instantly feel happy. I can’t believe I’m me. I feel the soft giant blanket over me, the beautiful light coming In from the window, the stillness of the morning and my room which I’ve decorated to my taste. I love taking in that sweet morning joy as I lay for a while snuggled in my blanket.

When I drive, I really enjoy the views and I drive at the speed limit which ironically seems to be too slow for others. What surprises me is when I’m driving through country back roads at the normal speed limit and everyone starts passing me. It signals to me that everyone else is in a hurry. A hurry for what? To die? So many people forget to live in the present moment and enjoy being alive.

I’ve fallen in love with living a REAL LIFE. I love that I have no social media. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I don’t worry about posting, keeping up with anyone, or checking my DM’s. I’m not submerged in anyone’s online drama. I love that people can’t find me online. They would most likely try to form an opinion of me and my life based on incomplete data. I’d rather have people wonder who I am, and what I’m doing. I’d rather be a blank space in their head. The truth is I’d rather live organically, the way it should be.

I still do all the things I did when I had social media: I still go on trips, I still buy cute outfits, test out products, plan parties, work out, enjoy time with friends and family, have fun with my daughter and niece, enjoy delicious meals, remodel and decorate our home, and stay busy with my To-Do list and life goals. I just don’t post it on social media and I found freedom in doing that.

I realized that I really only have time to live my real life. I don’t know how I used to spend hours on social media in the past. I was wasting my time. I think social media is a trap. We weren’t supposed to be bombarded with everyone’s thoughts and posts. The reality is we don’t have time for that. I do allow myself a certain amount of time for entertainment per day though because I believe it’s healthy to be entertained and let out a good laugh but not by social media. Tiktok provides feel good feelings. YouTube provides informational entertainment. A good show provides excitement and insight. Instagram, Twitter and Facebook leave people drained and insecure. We have to use our time wisely and choose the right forms of entertainment.

At the same time I feel that people normally seek social media not just for “entertainment” but also as an escape from their real lives. I’ve re wrote my life to the point where I no longer want to escape from it.

I’ve removed toxic people from my life and I keep my circle small. 2020 started out rough. I left my cult religion, I left a pyramid scheme company, I closed our family mechanic shop, and I dated the wrong person. Despite it all, my eyes were opening along the way. It was a year of transformation. I was removing everything that didn’t serve me. 2021 has been the best year of my life. I feel like I went to a school of wisdom and my eyes opened at once. I’m not entirely sure how it happened but I feel its crucial that I pass on this wisdom to others who can benefit from it.

For the first time in my life I’m happy. I used to hate my life. I used to look for distractions, and people to fill the void. This is the first time in my life I’m not looking for distractions or people to fill a void. I’ve taken the steps in making a life for myself that I actually truly enjoy. It took leaving a cult religion, a legal pyramid scheme (also known as MLMs), a toxic family business, a toxic boyfriend, and finally…toxic social media…to achieve a life I truly enjoy.

I also learned to create my own reality and stay in a happy place instead of living in a triggered state of mind. I learned to manage my emotions and my thoughts. I learned how to get rid of demons and I learned how to love myself more than I ever did.

I remember being in my 20s and being self conscious of my body. I laugh at that because I absolutely love my body now, imperfections and all. I admire myself and can’t believe I’m really me in this young body. Most people never appreciate their bodies until they’re old and gray. I appreciate how the collagen is still there. I appreciate how soft my legs are (when I shave haha!) I appreciate my feminine hands, the shape of my eyes and lips, and on and on. I literally appreciate the wonder that the body is!

I realized recently that I’m still a tomboy. I have a hard time washing my makeup off at night and putting on night cream. I rarely dress up or do my hair or makeup. I don’t diet. I hate taking selfies. I just…don’t really care about being that “hot girl”. I guess I’m still a tomboy at heart. I do however appreciate the wonder that the human body is. I’m so glad I finally see myself with wonder and admiration to be in my body. I’m living a human experience and I love it.

My wish is for people to unplug themselves from everything – social media, cult religions, pyramid schemes, big pharma, and news channels/websites that lie to people like Q-Anon sites and CNN – it’s always a bit of truth sprinkled on lies to keep people dormant and sedated. Dating apps, toxic people, and habitual drug escapes are also traps. This world is full of traps that lead people to meaningless lives. It doesn’t have to be that way. We can unplug from it. There’s a real life waiting for you on the other side. Let’s stop falling straight into the traps. A real meaningful life is waiting for you.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

The Person I Always Wanted To Be

Sometimes I think I’m done growing and evolving. I think I’ve learned “enough” and I become satisfied with that. Complacent. Then all of a sudden – SMACK! Boom! – I’m taken to my next level of growth and understanding.

I said I would become very private and not share anything about my life anymore but I spoke too soon. I’ll be selective in what I share but I don’t think I should completely go off line.

I actually thought I had deleted this blog last month after my last post but a few days later I started receiving new notifications of likes and follows. Apparently I don’t know how to delete a blog haha…What I did was delete my domain name not my blog (insert crying emoji.) I am now trying to recover my previous Domain name. Anyway I hope you guys are happy my blog wasn’t deleted and thank you for showing love.

So for the past year I’ve gone back and forth from being productive to non-productive. I think that’s the struggle for a lot of us. One day we’re on it, the next day we’re not.

Well something strange happened last month. Something…just sort of clicked.

I began to have this insane drive to get everything done. No distractions. Just my dreams and a whole lot of horse power.

The thing is I’ve always had dreams…we all do. The problem for me was not having enough drive and desire to reach them.

Thats no longer a problem.

My daily routine consists of waking up every day around 7 am, I catch up on news, watch self help videos on YouTube, make breakfast, clean up around the house, do laundry, go into our home office where I get work done for a few hours. I’m basically absorbing all the information I possibly can in every possible way right now. I use what’s known as “fast-reading skills” which is something anyone can learn. Videos teaching this technique can be found on YouTube.

Home office – where the magic happens

Ive organized the office filing cabinet which hadn’t been organized in a whole year. I have cleaned my email inbox and organized all incoming emails. I cleaned out all my “favorites” tabs on my computer. All of the videos on YouTube I want to “watch later” are categorized in folders depending what I want to learn about. I have a list of notes for future tiktok videos I want to create as well as a folder of tiktok inspo videos.

I have a folder where I keep notes for future blog posts. I’m also getting ready to launch a new blog called “The Stylish Lives” where I’ll post daily outfits as well as “latest finds” with links. I’ll also be reviewing home goods purchases. I will update you as soon as my new blog is published and live.

The reason I decided on two separate blogs Is because I like a clean silhouette. I want people who are looking for fashion, home decor purchase reviews, style inspo and clothing links to find just that on “The stylish lives” blog. At the same time I want people who are looking for an interesting read to find that on this blog without a problem. I serve “cheeseburgers” on one blog and “lasagna” on the other – I don’t like to mix them up.

Going back to my organization: (I’m super not cool I know) I have all my To-do notes organized in different categories as well as home sheets for cleaning, cooking and expenses detailed and printed. I have all of our home recipes organized in a binder. I also plan our monthly trips and vacations as well as Layla’s homeschool curriculum and sports. I have a schedule for our daily vitamin and health supplement intake since it’s different for each family member. I have lists of which places and people I will call each day, what Mail I will send out, what places I will go to, what things are needed to be bought, and what steps come first in achieving my goals.

Strangely…It doesn’t wear me out and I willingly have no “off days”. I feel motivated every day to chip away at my goals and lists. I don’t feel exhausted or tired. I just feel glad I get to wake up and go after what I want.

So how did this happen? How did I become the person I had always wanted to be? I became my higher self…and part of me is still stunned and confused because I don’t know how it happened.

If I had to pin point it to something I would say…I have 100% laser focus on my goals and no distractions. I also have a very clear vision of what I want and a strategy on how I’m going to get it with different plans of action. It’s not one path. It’s a lot of “paths” with precise planning and strategy. The road to success is never one road. It’s many roads carefully planned.

The fastest way to achieve your goals is to fast-read through information pertaining to your goals. Knowledge comes first. Skills and talent comes second.

By the way, Layla has really been surprising me lately. She downloaded a drawing app on her phone thats similar to Adobe. She’s been making different artwork on there and it’s not only impressively good but I’m surprised she knows how to use all the complicated tools in the app! She’s only 8. Jeez Louise.

She made this drawing using only her fingers…the detail is just wow.
Again the details !! She really puts time into her drawings

Then this morning during breakfast she told me about another app she downloaded. This time it’s a game app where shes building a restaurant business. She told me she’s been working really hard to buy all the things her business needs. Sometimes I just nod and said, “right!” But inside I’m containing how shocked I am. I mean this might be normal behavior for kids these days but I just know I wasn’t downloading any apps at her age or even remotely thinking of owning a business. She’s been talking business since the age of 4.

I’ve been listening to the BlackPink essentials album on Apple Music non stop lately. I’m obsessed with BlackPink. I check Ticketmaster every week to see if they have any concert tours lined up. Sadly BlackPink isn’t touring right now.

Also, I’m gearing up to share some pivotal information on here so stay tuned.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

PS. Here’s a photo dump from our trip to Joshua Tree recently:

At the Cabazon Dinosaurs 🦖 near Palm Springs Ca. White shirt is Ralph Lauren, striped bathing suit is from a boutique, jeans are from Target and jelly sandals are from Nordstrom rack.
Family picture
Before going in to the Cabazon museum
At the hotel resort about to get in the pool
Drying off in the sun after a nice swim sesh
Swimsuit: boutique store inside princess cruise ship, sunglasses: Quay Australia
I took this photo with my phone on “night mode” at Joshua Tree during the meteor shower. It was an incredible experience.
I love seeing her happy
Ballet babes 🩰

Dealing With Bad Moments

I thought I’d make a post to highlight some of my not so great moments lately… the thing is I laugh at my own bad moments. I think having ups and downs is part of our existence and human experience.

So last week I found out my nail salon gave me nail fungus. The owner told me his nail techs left my acrylics on for too long – It had been a little over 3 months. You could see how old the acrylics looked. From what Ive learned, old acrylics create air pockets and air pockets allow mold to grow. I kept wondering why they weren’t changing out the acrylics. I have never had to tell them when to remove them in all the years I’ve had acrylics. I figured they knew what they were doing though.

The good thing is the fungus is at the “mold” stage and it’s clearing up – at least it looks that way. It was green when they removed the acrylics and now it’s a brown yellow spot on my middle finger nail.

The owner admitted 3 times that the fungus came from the acrylics being old but he tried to spin it on me in the end and make it seem like it was my fault. He told me I should’ve told the nail tech to change out my acrylics. I told him “that’s not my job. I’m not a nail tech.” Obviously the nail tech should be properly trained but wasn’t. My job is simply to go in, pay them money and get a service done correctly.

In the end the nail salon owner still wanted to charge me for removing the acrylics. He also told me I should go to a pharmacy to buy fungal medication. Ok. And who was going to pay for that? This was all becoming too much.

I told the nail owner I wasn’t paying for the acrylic removals since they gave me fungus. About 10 other girls were getting their nails done just listening in silence. Some had a look on their face of “that’s so wrong that they’re doing that to you.”

I refused to pay the $15 and the owner said, “Ok. Leave but never come back again to my nail salon.”

Wow. I almost wanted to laugh. What a joke. He gives me nail fungus, runs an incompetent business with negligent and unsanitary conditions, and still expects me to pay him anything ? Including the pharmacy bill. That’s abuse. I got up, looked him in the eye and said, “Fine. I’ll just sue you then.”

He waved a hand and walked away from me as if saying “I don’t care.” He sat down in front of one of his nail techs.

“You’re going to end up paying a lot more money…” I said calmly. It’s weird but I never get too angry… I never bark too loud. I just take action.

The lady nail tech tried to mock me but the nail owner ignored her.

I left and called an attorney who told me it would be good if I got witnesses so I drove back and talked to the girls as they were coming out of the nail salon. One of them had witnessed everything and gave me her number.

I was In my car recording what my nail looked like when I saw the owner come out. He stood outside on his phone. Then I saw a black truck with tinted windows pull up one car over from me.

A big girl put her window down and shouted towards the direction where the nail salon owner stood. She looked like she wanted to fight someone. She kept shouting “Hey Im here!!” But the nail salon owner ignored her.

I wondered who else she could be talking to. The only people around were the nail salon owner and myself.

Me and the big girl looked at each other and I mouthed from my car, “Are you talking to me or him!?” My eyebrows were arched in their full effect. I didn’t mean to give her so much attitude but I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with more nonsense. She looked at me for a second, then put her window up.

I had no idea what her deal was and only later did I make the connection that she most likely was there for me. I laugh about it now because she was most likely there to scare me and I think I scared her instead.

Then the nail salon owner walked over to my car with his phone recording me. When I looked up and realized he was recording me I started to wave and smile in the sweetest way. This threw him off. His face was priceless. His power was gone.

He tried to get my license plates but wasn’t able to get them since I temporarily don’t have any. I was amused watching him and then started to record him as well with my phone. He didn’t like that and started walking away.

Before I drove away, I honked twice. When he turned around I laughed and shook my head at him. His face was priceless. I still smile remembering that moment. He looked so defeated. He wanted to intimidate me and the opposite happened.

I think he grossly underestimated me and what I can do.

I wish it didn’t have to be like this but he thought he could still charge me $15 after giving me nail fungus. Its the audacity for me.

The thing is he has been doing this to other girls for years. I’m not the first one. I hate abuse. I don’t think there’s anything I hate more.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to get in the middle of anything and I wish I could just ignore it but I won’t apologize for having a spine.

Do I think it’s ok for other girls to get nail fungus at an overpriced nail salon? No. It’s not just about me. It’s about everyone else. Places like this should be held accountable. Especially since I know not everyone has what it takes to speak up. I read other reviews on Yelp for this nail salon and one girl said she might have to get her toe amputated from the fungus they gave her. It’s swollen and deformed. Another girl is on strong antibiotics.

I can never guarantee the outcome of anything or if justice will take place but I can guarantee ONE thing: I give hell back when they give it to me. I can guarantee that 1000%.

So I sit here with this stupid mold on my finger nail. I shouldn’t be having to deal with this but this is life. People mess up. I have no problem with people making mistakes. It’s when they don’t fix their mistakes that we have a problem.

Also worth mentioning, my pregnant bipolar sister in law had an episode the other day and sent me a hate message. I told her to watch her tone with me because I’m not putting up with it. After all Im not the one who married her. I didn’t pick to struggle with her and I’m not a punching bag.

And last, I had a really amazing sandwich from Chick-fil-A the other day…and it totally messed my stomach up. Hahaha…I don’t know if the kitchen employees didn’t wash their hands or if they didn’t clean their area but an hour after eating that sandwich my stomach was in pain and I still had 30 min to get home with no restroom in sight. Thanks…thanks Chick-fil-A. I made it home ok, but my stomach has been jacked up for two days now.

Again… life happens. There’s no such thing as perfect anything.

Am I worried though ? No. My nail will go back to normal and so will my stomach. I’m honestly not sure about my sister in law though but I’ll pray for her.

Am I happy to have to deal with mold on my nail? No of course not. Its affecting different areas of my life as well as costing me money. I also have pain in my finger that’s radiating down to my elbow now.

On the other hand though I feel blessed as hell. The amount of happiness I feel is unreal. I have things in my life that I never had before. Daily I wonder how I got so lucky. Having bad moments is part of this human experience though. I would never want to pretend my life is perfect. That’s not realistic. Im an open book and I share both the good and the bad.

I understand bad moments happen, and they need to be dealt with but I try not to let those thoughts occupy my every thought. I let myself feel upset or angry for a short amount of time, then I put those feelings and thoughts in a box to revisit later and I continue with my life as if that moment hadn’t just happened because nothing should stop you from dancing. Life is too short.

Favorite song of the moment: “Play Date” by Melanie Martinez.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

2021 Is Turning Out Ok

Hello. It’s 7 am.

I am still amazed at the morning light that comes in through my window. I swear to God that it is PURE HEAVEN. Sometimes I really think to myself, “Did I die? Am I in heaven? How is this so spectacular?”

Anyway as some of you might know I’m usually not up at 7 am. I should be ! But the fact of the matter is I’m usually not.

The thing is… COACHELLA TICKETS GO ON SALE IN TWO HOURS. I have to be awake and ready. I have to prep myself and get my fingers ready to purchase those tickets. Ok, so really I just have to wait, but the anticipation is too much so I’m awake.

Years ago Coachella began to gain popularity and it only increased with each year. I remember wishing I could go but I was in my cult religion and Coachella wasn’t something a “good spiritual sister” would attend. So I didn’t go.

I missed out on the 2019 Coachella which was pretty historic. I’m not missing out on it again. At this point Coachella has become the most popular music festival IN THE WORLD. That’s right…in the world.

Not only am I getting tickets to go with my girl friends for the April 2022 dates (more info can be found on the Coachella.com website) but I also reserved an AIRBNB. Let me tell you…this is not your average AIRBNB. It is the most beautiful piece of creation I have ever seen. I cannot believe we’re going to stay there for our Coachella stay. Its a gorgeous house with a pool and the decor is phenomenal.

I feel like a kid. I mean pinch me. Is this my life?

Nothing this good ever happened to me before. Sometimes it feels like I really did die and now I’m in heaven…on earth.

Anyway, I also got tickets to see Maluma this fall and they are right in front of the stage – well, 7 rows from the stage which is perfect for me since I don’t know the words of every song and I don’t want to look like a “fake-fan.” Being 7 rows behind is great because if I don’t know the words to a song I can just sort of hide behind someone.

I once went to a Niall Horan concert and I was in the second row from the stage (I had no idea I would be that close!) and let me tell you… never again. I was the only person who didn’t know every word to every song and I could feel Niall looking at me and um… yea never again. Although me and Niall did have a “moment” when I sang one of his most romantic songs word for word and we looked each other in the eyes tenderly for a few seconds right when the beat dropped. So I guess he forgave me for being awkward and not knowing the words to the other songs. At least I’d like to think so.

Anyway, Im about to go through this box:

It’s my new vlogging camera for my YouTube channel! Ahhhhh. As soon as I have everything set up I will let you guys know my channel name so you can check out my videos.

This month is crazy packed with events I’ll be vlogging about such as:

-a skate park festival – winner gets $100, and there will be free food and a music festival. Heeeey. I’ll be there for sure.

-I’ll be taking the girls to a kids museum. This one is amazing and I can’t wait to vlog about it.

-were going to both Disneyland and Legoland this month just days apart from each other. I prefer going to amusement parks in June because the weather is a little cooler. July and August are so hot. I might still do Six flags in July though.

-were going to a Dodgers baseball game which I’m out of this world excited for. I really do feel I died and went to heaven. All the things I’ve been wanting to do, I’m doing! Whattttt…..

And last but not least, I’m going on a girls trip to Napa valley this month for my girlfriends birthday. I have never been to Napa, and I’ve never been wine tasting, so this will be exciting. We’re going to do a train tour and a hot air balloon ride.

That’s all just for the month of June. There’s more coming for every month for the rest of the year.

I want to live moments that are absolutely outstanding…moments I’ll look back on and smile. Moments I’ll tell my grandchildren about – historic moments of adrenaline and fun.

By the way, I mentioned I might get the girls (Layla and Sophie) Into modeling. Last week I was at the Topanga Westfield mall (this is where the Kardashians have been seen shopping at – I am not a kardashian fan but I have to say it is one heck of a mall decked out with all the designer stores.) Anyway, I was standing in line inside ZARA (I got the cutest outfit and sandals Omg) and I started talking to the lady in front of me.

She was a classy women in her 40s and you could tell she was well off. She talked to me about her kids (who are now grown and successful) and gave me advice on mine. I felt like I was on a “real wives of Topanga” episode. She was even spilling gossip on her friends at one point. I literally felt like I was at the country club having mimosas and talking about how “Patricia” lets her kids do whatever they want – one of her kids hasn’t even gotten married or done anything with her life and – gasp! – whisper: she now has two kids. *Cue the side eye and eyebrow raise. Ohmygoodness what a trip it is to have conversations with people you don’t know.

We had a whole conversation for about half an hour (the line was long but time flew by for us) and we even talked about how cute each other’s outfits were (the ones we were about to purchase), and the vacation she was going on with her husband.

Anyway she told me I should put the girls in print work for Disney – modeling work basically. She thought the girls were really cute and told me she put her kids in when they were little.

She told me she has a niece who works for a modeling agency and can get me in. She gave me the number right before she left.

So who knows… I might just do it.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

A Day In My Life

In Santa Monica

I’ll prefix this by saying every day of my life is different but this was my day today..

I woke up at 5:45 am accidentally as I’ve been doing recently. I’m not sure why I wake up at ungodly hours on my own but I will stay awake for half an hour or so and then drift back to sleep. I do enjoy seeing the sun rise though. I mean I don’t actually get up and see it rise…But I watch the glowy light come through my window as I lay in bed. It’s pretty spectacular.

At around 9 am I woke up, and watched some YouTube videos on past life regression before getting out of bed. Side story here – I paid a professional hypnotist a few days ago to do a past life regression on me. It was such a bizarre experience (which is what I live for in a way.) Anyway, I was able to see quite a lot and it’s still very surreal.

Dr.Elena, the hypnotist, helped navigate me through my past life regression and I’m glad she did because I don’t think it would’ve been the same without her. Especially since it was my first time and I didn’t really know what I was doing.

It surprisingly didn’t even feel like I was “hypnotized.” I just felt my body very heavy and I could feel some type of energy over it but a good peaceful energy. She relaxed me with her voice for a good half hour before we began the journey into my past lives.

I honestly wasn’t sure if it would even work. We were having trouble in the beginning, as images looked blurry, scrambled and at times I didn’t see anything. I wondered if maybe it was a waste of my money. Dr. Elena didn’t seem surprised in the slightest and simply used her soothing voice to direct me.

Then…it started. I saw a boys bright happy face looking at me. I saw us laughing and running around. I had two short black braids and fair skin. We were both 10 years old. I could see the green grass and the river nearby. It was France in the 1500s. I knew who the boy was right away…It’s the person I’m currently talking to in this lifetime.

I saw my mother rushing me in to wash my hands for supper. I knew right away that I loved her and that she was a good caring mother. She was always in a rush, very disciplined and responsible but loving nonetheless. She told me my father would be home soon and sure enough as I was coming back from washing my hands (in a basin) I saw my father walk in. My heart stopped as I was watching this because all of a sudden I felt emotions surface up. I knew my father back then was a good dad and I loved him. As he walked in he turned over and smiled at me in his familiar warm way before sitting at the wooden table we had. His clothes were dirty from work and he looked very tired but his eyes lit up when he looked over at me. He loved me and I loved him.

Our house sort of looked like this but it was a single story with double wooden doors.
This was the dress my mother was wearing but hers was a maroon color

Physically my dad had quite a large belly, a dark mustache and a small gap between his front teeth but he had the most radiant warmest energy. Being able to see this part of my past life was emotional because It was like seeing my dad again after not having seen him in a very long time. When I remember this part of my past life regression I miss him. I miss my dad.

I saw myself run over to the table and sit with my family – my parents and a sister (who was about a year older than me.) Once seated to eat dinner my mother said, “let’s pray” and we bowed our heads to pray. We lived in a small house made of brick and stone with two wooden front doors. We were poor but happy. We had candles lit at night and we were eating what looked like beef stew and bread. My mother told me I shouldn’t play with boys so much as I was always getting hurt. I squirmed around a little and smiled mischievously but said nothing and kept eating my food. I liked playing with boys way too much to stop. I had to laugh when I saw this because it was funny to see how I’ve been a tomboy in past lives as well.

During dinner my parents talked between each other about my fathers job and money matters. We were poor so it seemed money (or the lack of) was always a topic. My sister and I ate our food happily though. We were used to hearing our parents talk about money troubles. It was nothing new.

After dinner my sister and I performed a silly dance for our parents as we normally did most evenings. We sang a song in French and giggled as we danced around. My parents watched us from the table amused as they did most nights. My mother almost had a look of “oh no here they go again” but she was smiling anyway.

Afterwards I played with our family dog. He wasn’t a very attractive dog but he was our dog. I scratched his neck playfully. Later that night once in bed, I thought about how I wanted to see the new boy (I was playing with earlier) again. I couldn’t wait to play with him the next day.

In short, that boy and I grew up, he asked my parents permission for my hand in marriage, my dad was beaming with joy, he clearly approved. My mother was happy but she just worried and wanted to make sure we didn’t fornicate before marriage. Apparently those were religious times and from what I researched there were strict rules around sex, so much that they even had a sex court and you were severely punished for committing sexual acts that were against the law. Even married you could only have sex if it was with the intention to have children. Crazy stuff right? No wonder my mother gave us “the look” that evening.

We celebrated with dinner at home with my family that night and a plain round cake. No frosting. Just a plain cake. This was the best we could do since we didn’t have much money. We were happy though.

My sister teased my new fiancé with, “well you know what this means right? You now have a new annoying sister for life.” We all laughed.

We got married – it was a very simple wedding. My dad was next to me and told me where to sign on a long official paper. I had never done this before so I appreciated his guidance and support. I was only 16. I had a long white dress on with long sleeves – it was nothing fancy but it was white. I also had a simple flower crown on my head.

Once we stepped outside after we had signed documents, the village people were waiting to congratulate us. They wanted to be there and be a part of it. They gathered around us on the grassy hill outside. My husband took my hands in his in front of everyone, looked me in the eyes smiling and said, “I promise to make you happy forever!” People cheered and clapped and the village drunks poured each other wine to celebrate. The village people walked us down the pebble stone road to what would be our newlywed home. Kids ran joyfully In front of us. I felt very happy.

Side note: I had no idea what a peasant wedding was like back then but I looked it up and apparently this was all accurate.

We had kids – lots of them. We had a very happy family, and we laughed often. My husband usually chased the kids around the house playfully while they ran from him laughing. We loved each other. He really did make me happy. I died at an old age of what seemed like bronchitis. I was coughing so much. I had grey and white hair. I was In a bed at home surrounded by my family. They knew I was dying. My husband was sitting in a chair by my bed. We were both old and a lot heavier. He leaned over and kissed my forehead and said “I love you” with tears going down his cheeks right before I passed away.

Side note: I flunked history class all through high-school because I had no interest in knowing about dead people. So going into this, I literally had no idea what life was like in France in the 1500s. It’s surreal that I now have an understanding of that time.

I also saw my previous life before this one which blew my mind. I was 20 years old in 1954. My name was Dolores. I was attractive, slim, with big perky breast’s. I was a little surprised with the breasts. I just didn’t imagine having those on me. I had to do a double take.

Anyway, my dad was white and my mom was Hispanic so I was mixed. We were middle class and I was an only child. My parents worked a lot and were mostly absent. Even when they were around they weren’t very expressive.

I lived in a two story home in California. It was painted white and it was on a Main Street. One of my girlfriends told me not to go with a boy who Invited me out. I didn’t listen to her and went with him anyway. He was a rich boy and had a brand new corvette. It was shiny blue with cream leather interior seats. I really liked the car. What I didn’t like is that he wanted to “park” and make out. He was a moderately handsome guy with very nice blonde hair slicked back but I didn’t actually like him in that way. I especially didn’t like him feeling up on me. So I told him to stop and when he wouldn’t, I got out of the car. It was dark outside. We seemed to be by a park. I stood on the sidewalk near a tree. He got out and came over to me. He was so angry. He kept shouting at me while I stood there annoyed with my arms crossed. He was supposed to have taken me dancing but instead all he wanted to do was park and make out. I asked him to just take me home. He was still angry but agreed. “Oh I’ll take you home alright! If that’s what you want!” He said.

We got back in the car and as he drove, he kept shouting angrily. I wondered if he was going to calm down. I didn’t understand why he was so angry. Then all of a sudden I saw a trucks headlights coming toward us, I heard loud honking, and the next thing that happened is we crashed and died. I saw the police tell my parents the news at our front door step that night. I saw my mother cry into her hands uncontrollably. I saw how my dad tried to pull it together but my mom couldn’t. For years she cried and blamed herself for my death. I got choked up and I wanted to tell her not to cry anymore. I wanted to tell her I didn’t blame her. I’m simply impulsive sometimes and don’t think things through all the way. I should’ve listened to my friend. Anyway I didn’t blame my mom and I didn’t want her to cry. It broke my heart. We weren’t very close but I just couldn’t see her cry like that. It still makes me sad to remember. I could see her sitting in the recliner chair in our living room crying. I had never seen anyone cry like that before. It was painful to watch. She was just so broken over my death for so long…

Dr.Elena asked me how I felt living in that time period before I died. I told her I felt excited. My friends were constantly picking me in their car to go have fun. I wanted to have a career in either dancing or being on television. My friends would encourage me. “You oughta do it Dolores! You’re good at it!” I had so many aspirations and dreams right before I died.

Dr.Elena then had me visit a memory from before I died in that life that was meaningful to me. I wondered what I would see. Then instantly I was there…It was my sweet 16 party. I saw everything – The round cake with frosting and 16 candles, the long pretty pink lace dress I had on, my friends being goofballs, 50s music records playing in the living room, etc. What was memorable though was that after all my friends sang me happy birthday, my parents wanted to say a few words. They told me they were proud of me, and they knew I would do big things. They were also proud of my good grades in school. Then they wished me a happy birthday. I got teary eyed because they had never told me anything like this before. I didn’t even know they thought that highly of me.

I was opening presents and one of my guy friends said, “Dolores if you don’t like mine you can return it.” He was teasing me. He had a big smile on his face. I smiled back and said, “Don’t be silly! Of course I’ll love it.” I undid the ribbon from the brown paper wrapped gift. Then I noticed a boy in the crowd. It was someone I had a crush on from school. He looked at me with big loving blue eyes. That night was simply wonderful for me. I continued to open presents. It was mostly clothes. I held a nice cardigan up for everyone to see. I also was given a thin silver watch. I was about to see more but my past life regression was over after that. Dr. Elena brought me out of hypnosis soon after as our time was up.

It makes sense to me now why I love dancing so much and why I’ve been so fixated on the 1950s era ever since I was a teenager.

This was a bizarre experience as part of me was wondering if I made this all up but the other part knows I simply saw the images and information as it was coming to me. I could’ve never imagined all of it as it was things I had no idea about. Also I never would’ve imagined my name was Dolores. Or that my father was white and my mother Hispanic. I kept rejecting the name “Dolores” but it kept being repeated to me until I finally said, “Ok I guess my name was Dolores.” I thought it was a strange name but after doing some research I found out it was one of the most popular names in that time period.

Past life regression is interesting to me and I might try it again on my own. I want to see more things from my life in the 50s. I also want to explore more memories I have with the person I’m talking to.

Anyway back to today (sorry for the side track) I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and then had breakfast with my mom. My younger brother was helping my daughter with the Nintendo switch he got her for her birthday. He’s staying the weekend with us which is nice since we hadn’t seen him in a while. My uncle came to visit too but he was outside working around the house with his portable radio on. He just turned 76. He has the sharpest memory I’ve ever witnessed and he’s more confident than most people. I love those things about him.

After breakfast I sorted through mail which I accidentally let pile up for 2 weeks but most of it was junk so it’s not a biggie. Then I got ready to go to Valencia. I needed to exchange some lululemon shorts and I also needed to pick up my moms prescription.

I drove through the mountains overlooking gorgeous views for an hour listening to classic oldies. It’s so therapeutic for me to drive, listen to music and think about my life.

The exchange at Lululemon was very easy and simple. I had gotten shorts that were too big and Lululemon let me exchange them even though it was after 30 days from the purchase. Wow. I’ll definitely be purchasing more from them. Anyway the sales lady was amazing and quickly brought a pair of black leggings in my correct size and now I have my first pair of classic Lululemon leggings. I know it’s lame but I see other girls wear them at my Pilates class and I really wanted a pair too.

Anyway, I decided to stop at Lazy Dog, the restaurant to grab something to eat. I was quickly seated and a waiter promptly came over to get my drink order and then my meal order. He was a young man in his 20s. He made me laugh when he told me I couldn’t have dessert with my meal. He looked like he was joking but he really wasn’t. No one had ever told me I couldn’t have dessert with my meal. I’ve always done it that way. This waiter told me I had to finish my food first and then he would bring me my dessert. He had a funny way of saying it and I almost couldn’t stop laughing. I had the wok-calamari which is a favorite of mine now, and eventually he brought me my warm apple pie.

I watched “pitch perfect” on my phone while I ate my food. Once I was done I asked for the check and tipped my waiter $12. He was constantly checking to see if I needed something or if everything was good and he made me laugh so I felt he deserved a tip. He was gracious about it, thanked me and wished me a good day.

Anyway as I was leaving, an older man stopped me and told me, “hey cmere.” so I walked over to him and his friend. They were white men in their 60s wearing cargo shorts and polo shirts. They were sitting at a table that faced the one I had sat in. He Introduced himself and his friend and told me they were both watching me and said “we think you’re the classiest lady we’ve ever seen. I just wanted to tell you that and I hope you have a nice day.” Ohmygosh he was so sweet. I thanked them kindly and then left but wow. What a compliment. I’ll never forget it.

Bathroom selfie at the LAZY DOG restaurant

After that I went to the pharmacy inside Albertsons to pick up my moms prescription for progesterone. It’s what her hormone doctor prescribed her. She’s doing so much better lately now that she’s on bio-identical hormones for her menopause. Ive been taking her to a hormone specialist in Santa Monica.

Once home, I had a little bit of dinner with my mom, uncle, and brother. I had already ate at the restaurant but my family wanted me to have dinner with them so I made myself a small plate of food. My mom made my brothers favorite: chili meat, rice and beans. She also made strawberries and cream for dessert. I forgot I wasn’t hungry once I started eating. Everything was so good.

After dinner my uncle wanted to be taken home so we got in the car to make the drive to his home.

Layla & Sophie – I might be putting them into modeling for Disney print work.

I had no idea that my uncle had declared his love for my mom earlier and my mom turned him down saying she could never date one of her ex husbands brothers. She was nice about it but I think my uncle might’ve felt a bit awkward and that’s why he wanted to be taken home early.

I don’t know if we’ll be seeing my uncle very much anymore. It makes me sad because he’s like a grandpa to me but he made things a little awkward now.

Anyway, I stopped at the Fastrip gas station to get gas. When I walked in all this nostalgia hit me. This was the store I always went into as a kid. I used to buy the hot potato wedges after school… I was happy to see they still had them. My brother and our friends used to play on the arcade machines by the entrance. Now lotto machines were there. We used to get slushees. Now they were in the back instead of in the middle of the store. It was a little different but basically still the same. It was weird but nice to be transported back to those times.

Once we got home, I watched part of a new show “I’m not Ok” with my brother Dion before my other brother Damian and his wife came over. My brothers wife is 3 months pregnant so we talked about pregnancy things at the table for a while. Then my brother Damian joined the conversation and we talked and caught up with each other’s lives.

It’s funny because we didn’t grow up being close. We’ve had to learn to build family patterns we didn’t even have. Our parents were well intentioned but there’s was no “Ohana” bonding in our family. I’m honestly proud of how far we’ve come.

After my brother and his wife left, my mom and I sat on the sofa and chatted for a while about my girls trip to Napa Valley next month with my 2 girl friends. We had an amazing girls trip a year and half ago and now we’re about to do it again for my friends Birthday.

We’re also going to Disneyland, Legoland, and a Dodgers game next month as a family. So far a lot of amusement parks and places are only open to California residents this summer due to Covid. That means this is the first summer we don’t have to worry about Disneyland, Six-flags or Legoland being overcrowded. The Dodgers stadium should be back at its full capacity next month when we go (50 thousand people.) I prefer a full stadium though. It’s more exciting.

At 10 pm Layla and I brushed our teeth and got into bed. I told her I loved her and snuggled with her for a while until she finally fell asleep. Then I wrote this blog post.

Tomorrow we have our first family park day. I got Layla and Sophie bikes, scooters, roller skates, kites, bubbles, frisbees, and a bounce ball. I’ve always seen other families do this but our family never did so I decided to start the tradition. I can’t wait for tomorrow.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

A Private Life

Lately I’ve thought about how private my life has become and it’s something I would’ve never imagined. Will it stay this way? No. Haha It’s about to be very public since my family and I will be venturing into the world of YouTube vlogging (for Layla and Sophie’s channel – my niece and daughter for those not familiar) but I have been enjoying having this new private life lately.

On our way to my aunts house for a birthday party

Im a weird individual – I love privacy but I also love being an open book and sharing my life. For a while now though no one has really known anything about my life except those closest to me. In this modern world it feels a bit odd when no one really knows what you’re up to.

It takes me back to 2010 when cell phones were the norm and yet I refused to have one. I would tell my friends to leave a message for me on my moms cell if they needed to reach me. Even my mom thought that was weird but I didn’t like being accessible. Eventually my parents forced me to get a phone but I think I’ve always enjoyed moments in my life where no one knew anything about me and my whereabouts.

Currently, my life is great and no one even knows it. Isn’t that weird with everyone broadcasting every flex on the Internet? Yet I’ve just been living my life happily without almost anyone knowing. Thinking back though…my life used to be so horrible that I always contemplated suicide. Now I think back and realize I was basically serving a jail sentence for the past 20 years of my life.

Fast forward to this year and it’s one of the best years I’ve ever had. I finally understand so much about life. I understand and know the answers most people ask themselves – why were really here, what our purpose is and what really happens when we die. I’ve had a spiritual awakening in the past year. It’s one of the most beautiful things that could’ve happened to me. Life finally makes sense.

When I was in a religious cult I was told we had all the answers – we were the “superior religion” – but deep down I know we all still had questions unanswered. I know I did. I would write them down to ask an elder later but I felt that it wasn’t right to ask too many questions so I stopped asking. There was a nervous anxious energy in the congregation as we always expected the worst to happen at any moment. I’m amazed at myself to have come so far from that. I feel at peace to finally have answers that fulfill me.

I used to believe reincarnation was the dumbest thing on earth. My mind refused to believe in it as it went against my religious beliefs. We were taught that we “don’t have a soul” (which is unbelievably absurd to me now that I ever believed those lies) and we shouldn’t even utter the word “soul.” I felt guilty if I even used the word casually. Part of me believed we had a soul but I whole heartedly didn’t want to believe in reincarnation because it would mean my religious beliefs were wrong.

I now know we definitely have a soul (I mean duh) and I believe in reincarnation and past lives. It makes more sense to me than anything I’ve ever learned about. I’m glad to know that most of my friends believe in this too. I hope more and more people begin to understand that the soul never dies. It simply changes bodies through each lifetime like changing clothes. Our bodies are a matter of atoms and cells. Once the soul is gone, the body simply decomposes. The only thing that makes a body move and operate is the soul. That’s the energy that moves it and animates it. We are here to learn to let go of ego, pride, anger and all the negative emotions if we are to ascend higher. Otherwise we keep coming back to pay our karmic debts over and over.

I have no idea what I did in a past life – I would like to know and I plan on doing a “past life regression” (it’s hypnosis to see who you were in past lives) but I can already imagine I probably did some things I might not be too proud of since it seems I was paying back for it in this life.

I had the absolute WORST luck for the past 20 years. I mean it was…shit. Like seriously. I could write a whole book on the hell I lived and people probably wouldn’t believe me because it was way more than the average persons bad luck and I seemed to catch no break. At this point I understand I was most likely paying back for something I did.

I’ve always been the kind of person to defend my brothers from bullies in school, give to homeless people, play with children, give money and extravagant gifts to family and friends, and just generally a good person so for a long time I couldn’t understand why my life was shit. I would pray and ask God why I was being punished if I was a good person. I now realize that while I’ve been an overall good person there were karmic dues I needed to pay.

Something funny happened though. Last year things started to shift in my life. Everything was changing and aligning itself. I felt a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. I was talking to a friend about it and she just randomly said “-that’s because you passed the test.” I did a double look at her. My brain wasn’t computing what she had just said. It was just so random and unexpected. She repeated herself, “you passed the test.”

She told me I handled all the betrayal I experienced the years prior in the right manner. She’s an old soul and spiritual. I was a little dumb struck because I was still new to the spiritual world but I knew she was probably right. My life felt like it had been one long exhausting test. To hear the words “you passed the test” was a welcome phrase that brought me relief.

Lately I’ve been experiencing blessings like never before. People wouldn’t even believe it. Only those closest to me know and smile amazed. I now understand the saying “life isn’t fair.” Some seem to have it good while others don’t. It really isn’t fair and at the same time it is. It’s all karma. Either you’re paying Karma or you passed the test. That’s really what it comes down to when people have “good” or “bad” luck.

Lately I feel I can win the lottery if I played in a Vegas casino…but I don’t like to gamble. I might get lucky investing though. I feel that my spirit guides are wanting me to start Investing lately. Sometimes when you’re meant to do something, you’ll get “gentle reminders” over and over.

I love knowing that life is really about paying your karmic dues and everything gets so much easier after you do. My advice: Repair bad relationships, forgive freely, wish well on others, give, donate, help people. Don’t get revenge. Don’t do bad things. As much as people go to church, most can’t seem to suppress their negative emotions towards those they dislike but until they do, they will continue to pay the karma life after life.

My life lately is very different from how it ever was. I wake up each morning around 10 am after a full nights rest, and later have a beautiful brunch with my mom. She fixes the nicest plates – I call her the “Mexican Martha Stewart.” We talk about everything from spirituality, life events, funny things, our family tree, and my love life. I usually make my mom laugh without trying to. I really love our talks. I love how she proudly fixes gourmet meals for us and looks forward to me joining her at the table. She also makes me a green juice and brings it to my bed each morning in a mason jar with a straw. I could say no to the special treatment but…I’m kind of used to it by now to be honest. I feel my mom feels good doing this and I wouldn’t want to stop her from feeling good haha.

Next I usually do some house cleaning, laundry or office work (I pay bills or buy things we need.) Some days we go out to have fun and other days we stay in and watch a funny movie together. We’ve watched “The Hangover” & “21 Jump Street” lately – two of my all time favorites. Most people have never watched a movie with me except my family and they’re used to my reactions but I do have some pretty wild reactions and weird laughs haha.

I recently booked a vacation to Legoland for next month (which we will be vlogging fully – I finally took the plunge and bought the Canon power shot G7 x mark ll camera so these will be quality vlogs) and we’ll be staying at a ritzy hotel with a beautiful resort and pool. I purchased this high waisted Balmain bikini I really had my eyes on since last year. I found one of the last pieces available in my size at a discounted price. Score!

This bikini is literally everything

I need to get my summer body ready though. I would like to say I will stop eating bread and work out like crazy but the truth is I’ll probably just take a bunch of fat burning capsules. I’m just being honest here. If they work I will update in a future blog. No worries though, they are natural and most people think they don’t work but I have experienced that they do work in the past. Let’s see if they still work this time around.

I’ll still do Pilates here and there though since that work out gave me the best butt and legs I’ve ever had. It’s just hard to not eat bread or chocolate. Those are my vices.

Anyway, I’m just happy lately. It’s a peaceful happiness. After the bad life I’ve had Im pleasantly surprised at what it’s become. I enjoy resting, relaxing, dancing, reading, long talks, and going to one of the most beautiful parks I’ve ever seen with my family. I also thoroughly enjoy the views from our windows at home. My moms roses are in full bloom and they look like something out of a fairy tale. I feel like I’m living in a type of heaven lately. A heaven on earth. Something I didn’t even know was possible.

Before my moms roses bloomed
After they bloomed

I’m glad that as bad as my life was I never actually committed suicide because had I done it, I would’ve been stuck in a realm as a punishment and then sent back to reincarnate in a new body anyway. For anyone contemplating suicide: DONT DO IT. You’ll only be punished for it. If you have karma to pay, you must pay it. The lessons must be learned and there are no “short cuts” to take. Your soul doesn’t “end” just because you think you ended it. Pay your dues if you must. Hopefully you have a pleasant experience on earth.

Bag: COACH, dress: TARGET, heels: GUESS

This is no longer relevant to the subject but I just want to end the blog post by saying that for those wondering why I cut my hair so short the answer is simple: I just didn’t want to look like a stripper. I have nothing against strippers but I don’t want to be over sexualized.

Yet despite cutting my hair so short… men still stare at me like animals looking at a steak meat every time I leave the house. So I guess maybe there was no point in cutting my hair so short. Still I personally like it. I think Its because I really hate the idea of being seen like an object, a sex object. Long hair on me makes me look like a stripper and guys have told me I look like a porn star in the past. So in a way I wanted to look “normal”, “average”, and maybe kind of ugly. It didn’t seem to work but I tried. I think I’ll keep the short hair for a while though. It makes me feel good.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

My mom & Sophie outside of Denny’s
Hat, top, shorts: Target 🎯
My mom looked so pretty
Top: TARGET, jeans: J brand
Hat & sandals: Adidas, T shirt: Disney, jogging pants: Walmart
Cardigan: banana republic, dress: Macy’s, heels: Valentino
Top: TARGET, shorts: Nike, flip flops: Roxy, sunglasses: Gucci
Sunglasses: Celine, t shirt: H&M, shorts: Adidas, sandals: Kate Spade ♠️ bag: Coach
Top: Aerie

Healing from the past – FINALLY

I’ve always been about inner growth, forgiving and moving forward in life. However there was ONE thing that had been bugging me for a few years now. The more I tried to ignore it the more it grew within me showing up in an ugly way.

In my family, I have 6 brothers and 1 sister. If you were to ask them they would tell you upfront that I’m “the favorite.” Well Geez Louise, being the favorite didn’t come with too many bells and whistles in this house, I’ll tell you that.

The funny thing about families is all the secrets that not everyone knows. You can be born in the same family and live together at times and still be unaware of many things that go on between family members.

A few years ago… I felt my moms betrayal. I think it’s somewhat more “normal” or common to feel it from anyone else… except your own mother. That type of betrayal just cuts in the different way.

I brought up how I felt about her betrayals a few times over the years hoping for some sort of apology. It never happened. So this sort of hate started to grow despite still wanting to have a good relationship with her. I didn’t even know I had any bitter resentment towards her. For a long time I was unaware of it.

I found myself using not-so-nice tones with her though, and just generally not being very nice – only with her. Well let’s not sugar coat it: I was a b*#@& sometimes. It was like a tiny bitter feeling that grew day by day. I started to ask myself why I was feeling this way. I pondered over it and started to realize that I had not forgiven her.

I brought it up to my friend over lunch last week and she suggested I have a heart to heart with my mom, adding, “-until things get fixed you’re going to continue to have it affect you and you won’t be truly happy.”

That night when I got home, my mom and I had a heart to heart. It started from an argument – she was upset at how I was making her feel because I was unintentionally taking my anger out on her from what seemed like nothing, and then it escalated into me opening up about the past again.

I told her I didn’t mean to talk to her that way or treat her that way but I felt like I couldn’t help it. I was just so angry at her for what she said and did to me in the past but more than anything I was mad that she never apologized despite all the chances I gave her.

I had never seen her cry so hard in my life. It was literally the hardest thing for her to apologize to me… it looked like the apology was stuck in her throat for a while …but she finally did it. She said she didn’t like thinking about the past because it hurt too much and she knew she should’ve done better as a mother to me. She said remembering the past was so painful that it almost felt like death to her.

She apologized for disrespecting me at work in front of everyone when I was running our family business and providing for her. Looking back she doesn’t exactly understand why she acted that way. She apologized for the times she looked me in the eyes and told me she didn’t love me. Twice. She said she didn’t remember that very well but said she didn’t mean it that way. She also apologized and began crying again when she remembered how my dad used to verbally abuse me and she didn’t do anything about it. She said she had a dream the other day that was extremely vivid, “like a movie”, where she saw my dad verbally abusing someone and as she looked closer she realized it was me. She said she woke up and felt horrible because she remembered a time when I was around 18, my dad was putting me down verbally as he always did back then. I couldn’t take my dads verbal abuse anymore so I walked away from him crying. I didn’t know how to stand up to him, so I tried to get away from him but he followed me to my room. She said I went into my closet, sat on the floor in a fetal position crying my eyes out while my dad towered over me and continued to use all his rage to verbally abuse me. I was basically a child. I had no one. The people who I thought were supposed to love me were hurting me. Some people think verbal abuse isn’t “that bad” but it’s worse….10 times worse… than physical abuse.

I had blocked that memory out but I could tell my body remembered because I started to feel unwell when my mom brought it up. My brain was still searching for that memory but my body was starting to react the way it does when it senses danger and I felt my heart rate go up right away.

Basically my body remembered how I felt in that moment. I was screaming for help on the inside. It felt like an emotional murder was happening. The happy innocent child was dying. Obviously a lot of trauma came from those moments that were repeated weekly for several years. I’ve had to do the work as a grownup to repair all the damage. Most people never do the work but I wanted to break the generational cycle.

Anyway, my mom sat across the sofa wiping away tears, saying that she remembered just standing by the door watching it happen and she feels so awful that she didn’t do anything. “She didn’t protect me.”

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” she kept saying while she cried uncontrollably.

I forgave her. I told her we were different people back then. All of us. We acted according to our limitations. We’ve grown since then. We need to forgive each other and who we used to be. I don’t judge my parents on who they used to be. I just needed an apology.

My dad called me years ago out of the blue and apologized. He said spending time away meditating by the beach helped him see how he could’ve been a better father and he was sorry that he hadn’t been. I forgave him. He didn’t get into specifics and I didn’t want him to. He knew and I knew.

His life and his new wife in Mexico have changed him for the better. I never thought it would happen but… he’s changed. We get along well now even if we’re not super close.

My dad came over to visit the day after my mom and I had our heart to heart. He visits us every few months. He brought the girls candy, and we sat around and looked at old photographs for a while. My mom gave him a letter from his mom that he had forgotten about. He cried when he saw it. He loved his mom. She died when he was 17 and what kills him the most is that she had something to tell him and he didn’t make it back in time to find out what it was. One day I hope to find out what that was for him.

I made him lunch to take on the road. I prepared stir fry meat, made a strawberry cheese salad, added refried beans, a croissant bread, 3 home made chocolate chip cookies, a bottle of water and a yogurt. He seemed really happy and thanked me twice. I think my dad and I speak in an unspoken language sometimes.

Well after I had forgiven my mom, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. We hugged and said goodnight.

I’ve noticed that I am so much nicer to my mom now. It just comes naturally. I think it would’ve killed her to continue to silently live with the guilt and it would’ve killed me to continue to live with the resentment. I’m at peace now.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Human trafficking & appearing on the News

So it all started last Wednesday. I took Layla with me to run errands. We stopped at the DMV but it was closed due to Cesar Chavez Day. We then headed to Home Goods where I picked up a few essentials for our bathroom. Let me just say my local Home Goods is heavenly. They were overstocked with amazing stuff.

At 4 pm I took Layla with me to my first Yoga class. growing up in a cult religion Yoga was “off-limits.” It was “bad.” Many articles were written from our religious leaders to scare us away from ever trying out such a “devilish practice.” Was it devilish though? Well I tried it and it was not devilish at all. I did not have to put my mind in a blank state. It was soothing, and calming. You are connecting with yourself, your body, your breathing, your emotions. It’s very healthy In so many ways. Sometimes I think back at the things I was made to be scared of and I laugh a little.

After We finished our snacks we walked out through the shopping plaza. Thats where things got weird. I noticed two young guys standing in front of a ROSS store (wearing all black) with an older women whispering something to one of them. She walked away as soon I came by. One of the guys approached me and asked me if I had some money to give him so they could get something to eat. He said that he and his friend were traveling from Jalisco Mexico to Colorado but the lady who was supposed to take them wouldn’t arrive until the next day. Everything seemed suspicious. I told him I didn’t have any cash on me and kept walking.

As soon as we left, Layla and I went to watch The Croods part 2 at the movie theatre. It was such a cool experience to finally see a movie at the movie theatre again. I have to say The Croods 2 was hilarious and visually pleasing. I felt that everyone wanted to clap when the movie finished. You could feel the excitement in the room. I should’ve started the clapping for the hell of it. I mean it’s been a whole year since we’ve done this so Hell Yeah that deserves a clap in my opinion.

Well it seems that the guys from ROSS and that lady followed me. After Layla and I left the movie theatre we headed to Walmart since I needed to get some groceries. That’s where things got weird.

It was about 9 pm when I walked into the Walmart with Layla. I felt drugged… as if I was on some sort of cocaine stimulant. I felt overly energetic and loud. Layla seemed to have the opposite effect. She seemed sedated. I had her lie down inside the main part of the shopping cart.

I then ran through the Walmart racing the shopping cart around while talking really fast. I would break the shopping cart if I saw people nearby as I didn’t want to hit them. It seemed like I was nascar driving it though.

I was at the produce section getting lettuce when the guy from ROSS walks straight up to me. He had no shopping cart or items in his hand. He said “Hi how are you?” I leaned in closer to him, squinted my eyes and said “aren’t you the guy from ROSS??!!” I was really hyper. He shrugged a little embarrassed it seemed and nodded yes.

He then proceeded to give me a story on how the police didn’t let them stay at the ROSS anymore and this “nice lady” who was helping them out gave them a ride and brought them to Walmart.

He only made himself look more suspicious. He then asked me for money again. I told him I couldn’t give him any money because my family needed it more. He asked if I had a husband and when I told him no, he asked for my number. I said “Oh No NO no…!! I don’t hAVe timE for THaT!! I have to look after all of my family – definitely not, no! I don’t have time to date!” I was very dramatic without wanting to be. I also felt that I gave him “crazy eyes” a few times accidentally. I was so hyped up and not like myself. He told me I was pretty. “Oh you can find pretty things anywhere,” I told him matter of factly. Then I told him I had to cut the conversation short because I needed to hurry and finish grocery shopping since I had a long way home. He said he understood. I asked him his name. He said his name was Juan. “I’m Denise” I said as I firmly shook his hand and added, “Well take care and good luck on your trip to Colorado!”

He said thanks and told me I was pretty one last time. “Yes thank you! I mean No- I mean thanks !” I said laughing a little. He looked a little weirded out but smiled and nodded before walking away.

I continued to zoom through the aisles with the shopping cart and talk loudly to myself while Layla seemed completely un phased and sedated. At one point I loudly said “DO I REALLY NEED TOMATOES?! … I DONT THINK SO !!!! ….but I do need CUCUMBERS!!!” A lady passing by with her kids, raised her eyebrows and smiled. One of her kids came over and stood right in front of me. He seemed about 17. I was feeling each cucumber to make sure I didn’t take any soft ones and this young kid just stood there making me feel uncomfortable. I started giving him a disgusted look and he finally walked away. Like honey, leave me and my cucumbers alone! This is private. Jesus. He was making it really awkward.

People seemed to think I was funny though the way I talked and ran around the Walmart. I can say I have never acted like that in my life so it was pretty bizarre. I paid for our groceries and then got my self defense tool out before walking to the parking lot with Layla. I didn’t see the guy from ROSS anymore but when I got to my car I saw one guy in his car behind mine and one guy in his car in front of my car. It seemed a little strange but I didn’t pick up bad vibes. I protected Layla by putting the grocery cart in front of her and giving her the weapon to hold. I then put the groceries in the trunk of my Jeep as fast as I could. Looking back I should’ve just had security escort me to my car. Anyway, I got Layla in safely, as well as myself and I locked the car as soon as we were in. I noticed there was double the normal security outside as well as police officers in tan suits. Then again that Walmart is known for criminal activity at night.

Thankfully we got home safe and I didn’t see anyone tail gating or following me. My brother later told me my car door handles could’ve been laced with drugs while I was at the movie theatre.

This incident made me more aware on ways to protect and defend myself. I will be getting my CCW Permit soon to carry a glock gun on me. I’m honestly excited about it. If anyone tries following me around again they’re going to be saying hello to my little friend.

There is also a keychain from invisawear.com that texts up to 5 contacts your exact location. You can hang it on your pants and it looks like a normal keychain. I also like the alarm keychain that makes an ear piercing noise. There’s nothing like the glock though if you ask me. I’m ready to be Laura Croft: Tomb Raider.

The following day I met my friend at a trendy Hotel restaurant. We met when we were part of a pyramid scheme two years ago. Thank goodness we finally saw through it and left at the same time. I met so many great people though.

My friend Esme surprised me with two gift bags for me “just because.” It was so unexpected but also super nice. I was kicking myself for not bringing her something too. It’s really the little things that make the world go round.

We literally spent 12 hours talking that day. She’s PuertoRican and I don’t know what I am except Spaniard-Mexican…but we both talk a lot.

Well we were sitting at the table talking, enjoying our cheeseburgers and cheesecake, when a news reporter comes up to me and asks me if I knew that the First Lady Jill Biden had spent the night in the hotel and had just left. I had no idea. He asked if I had any words with her or any interaction at all. He asked if I had been at her Cesar Chavez event the day before. I had not and neither had my friend. The news reporter was about to turn away when he turned back towards me suddenly and asked, “Can I interview you?”

I was startled but replied “Sure! I just don’t know what I’m going to say.” He assured me that I didn’t need to worry. He would ask the questions and fix it up so we would look good. He asked me to put the microphone piece on my suit blazer and began recording me. Basically I talked about how I noticed Black SUVs outside on the side of the hotel as well as police cars so I figured someone important was at the hotel but I had no idea it was Jill Biden. When he Interviewed my friend Esme he asked her if she was excited to know Jill Biden had just been in the hotel. She replied, “Honestly I was more excited to see my friend…but she did tell me something about some SUVs and I was like, ‘hmm what’s going on??’”

Those were the clips the news reporter decided to put on the news. My friend and I had a good laugh at what we said and the fact that we happened to be on the news so randomly that day.

Truth is though…I don’t like getting into political things because it’s such a touchy subject. I have friends from both sides. Personally though my friend and I like Trump but we’re respectful of other peoples choices. I feel that people should be able to like anything including mustard on apple sauce and people shouldn’t judge someone on their choices. I don’t like the division politics creates.

I also think that Jill Biden is most likely a very nice woman. It was an interesting experience to be on the news. We were a bit nervous but thankfully you couldn’t tell.

As we continued to eat our food, we noticed secret service and military personnel walking out of the hotel.

Also an interesting fact about the Padre Hotel where we had lunch: they say the 7th floor is haunted. Particularly room 704.

Many tragedies have happened at the hotel including fires and earthquakes trapping young children into their premature death. The hotel was bought by a couple of business men from San Diego and began its remodeling in 2002. It was finished and reopened by 2010. It is referred to as a “boutique hotel” and also known as the “gem” of Bakersfield California. As soon as you step inside you know it’s a luxury experience. It’s not just luxury though. They did an amazing job at combining luxury with a trendy modern feel. I wouldn’t expect anything less from San Diego Designers though.

Despite it being haunted I just might go back for the food. Ugh and the vibe. It’s such a beautiful Hotel. They also have a type of night club that might be reopening later this year. I’m somewhat skeptical of going to a night club because of the things that can happen but at the same time it’s on my bucket list as I’ve never properly partied at a night club before and the young person stuck in me wants to live out that experience. I’ll just take my glock to be safe. I’ll be like an undercover party goer. I would obviously not drink or eat anything there unless I see it being prepared and I would never leave my drink unattended. Party rules 101 right?? Ugh. This reminds me… I want to go to IBIZA so bad. That’s big time on my bucket list. Big time big time. Imagine being on a plane with a bunch of friends and hyped up people ready to party?? One can only dream…

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Is anxiety normal?

Is anxiety and fear a normal part of life in the world we live in? I’ve thought about this and realized that it just might be. Of course for each person it ranges. Personally I hardly feel anxiety or fear but I still have the normal doubts and fears about life just like any normal person.

The thing is no one on this earth has it made. I don’t care if they live in Switzerland with the alpacas or if they’re billionaires in Dubai. No human being has it made. In the back of everyone’s mind there’s the fear that whatever we have could be gone tomorrow.

I’ve realized that our existence on this earth isn’t always the most peaceful one but we have to learn to hone that peace in ourselves while we are here.

How? By connecting with our emotional / spiritual side. By feeling our feelings and reflecting on them. By taking control of them little by little. By taking control of our thoughts. Over the years I’ve done things that have helped me in this area. I’ve cleaned my entire inner body. I’ve detoxed my pineal gland, I’ve done a colon cleanse, a gut cleanse (it’s very important to put the good bacteria back in when done!) and I’ve also taken lithium orotate as well as other supplements like kava-kava for relaxation.

I’ve learned to live with the small anxiety and fear that will most likely always be there. Obviously that’s optimal to have only a small amount but it’s taken years to get to that point. It takes self control to master ones emotions.

Sometimes we think that when we reach a certain life milestone that then we will we be truly happy and at peace. I’ve learned that it’s most likely not the case. There will always be a tiny bit (at least) of uncertainty. However life is still wonderful and worth living. You just have to learn to tell those nagging thoughts to shut – the – front – door =)

Anyway, moving on to another subject: I’ve thought about the situation with my massage therapist and I’m going to tell him (the next time I see him) that I only want my back, arms, and legs massaged. Hopefully we can continue to have normal sessions or I’ll have to end it. The thing is I’m not anyone’s play toy…I know I’m giving up the chance to have a passionate sensual experience for once in my life…and who knows it might be stupid to give this up because I might never have this chance again…after all he’s experienced when it comes to the human body and how it works and very few people can say they’re experienced in that department – most don’t know what they’re doing. Heck I don’t even know what I’m doing but I don’t feel I need to since I’m not active in that department. And then there’s the fact that I never go out and meet anyone. but life is a gamble and I’m not willing to be anyone’s play toy. At least I don’t have to worry about catching feelings, STDs, or pregnancy. I know I know… I’m boring. La-dee-DaH.

Anyway, I’ve been reading a book lately about health and wellness and it’s opening my eyes to something quite interesting…a hundred years ago most people’s diets in rural places consisted of a few main things such as milk, eggs, cheese, butter, meat / seafood and vegetables. More or less however they didn’t have many different dishes to eat as we do now. They didn’t have grocery stores or 5 star restaurants. They had the same items they ate mostly every day. You want to know the truly outstanding part? THEY WERE HEALTHY PEOPLE. They had perfect skin, hair and teeth even after having 26 children. They enjoyed their life… that is until western American food and groceries were brought into their village. Their health slowly crumbled after that.

My parents were raised in Mexico and they remember drinking milk straight from the cows, buying vegetables from the neighbors gardens, as well as chickens. Both my parents were incredibly healthy and had 8 healthy children. Then my parents started to give in to the American diet and healthcare in their 30s. My mom got antibiotics a few times, messed up her gut microbiome, and her health began to decline after that. I will be doing a blog post of how to heal your gut as that is one of the main reasons behind so many illnesses and diseases.

I’ve decided that I want to eat like villagers from the early 1900s. I want real milk, eggs, butter and cheese. I want fresh seafood from the port and grass fed beef (my local deli has the best rib eye steak) as well as home grown veggies. I will still eat out as “cheat days” but that will be more of a treat and not an every day lifestyle.

The real minerals and vitamins are in real fat soluble food according to this book I’m reading. I know many gym goers take mineral supplements to aid in muscle repair and while it definitely does it’s job in giving them gorgeous health (minerals aid in healthy skin hair and eyes) Id rather get the minerals from the real food source. I will most likely still supplement with minerals but my main focus will be actual real food. I will be updating how that journey goes.

I signed up today to get self defense classes from a tae-kwon-do instructor. He’s been Layla’s instructor since last summer. This year, with the job field I’m getting into, I decided I need to have a good self defense technique – just in case. I’ll be going into peoples homes as part of my job, by myself. Mostly I think I should be ok, but just in case I ever get a weird one, I feel better knowing I can defend myself.

I think the instructor has a crush on me though. He’s been giving me free classes since last year, to “try it out” and when the trial period is over he extends the free trial period. I’m just glad I’ll be getting lessons from one of the best instructors in the area. I have my first self defense class tonight and I’m pretty excited.

A few days ago Layla & I ate at Hook Burger and it was so nice to finally dine in again here in California. The customer service was phenomenal as well as the food. definitely recommend.

I’m loving the matching sets right now – this one is from Target and it was $30 for both pant and sweater. The sandals are Adidas (from last summers collection.) with Target you kind of have to get there first because their great items sell out fast and they’re usually limited in quantity. Once they’re gone they’re usually gone. This purple sweat suit set is perfect in color and even more perfect in texture – it’s the softest thing In the world. I will not be putting it in the dryer because it might ruin it. I’ll just run it through the washer machine and hang it up to dry in the bathroom. I want it to last for as long as possible. I’m literally so obsessed with good clothes haha.

Favorite song right now: “Jenny (I want to ruin our friendship)” by Studio Killers

I love music and I pride myself in having the best playlists. I just might share my Apple playlists soon.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Life Without the Gram

It’s late at night. It’s 11:29 pm. Everyone’s asleep. meanwhile I’m laying in bed awake, feeling so much happiness. Now that I think about it… maybe not having my Instagram account is helping me truly connect with what’s meaningful in life.

When I wake up in the mornings the first thing I see are my ceiling fixture and yellow walls. I never used to appreciate them. Now I wake up and feel thankful that I get to wake up in my room and that I get to be me. That’s quite a milestone for me since I didn’t always like being me.

For a long time I hated to being ‘me’ and I didn’t see why anyone would want to be me. I hadn’t reached the levels of growth Im now at. The thing is, I didn’t really hate myself… I hated my life and I didn’t know how to change it.

I could write a whole book on everything I’ve discovered in the last 6 months. It’s the reason I wake up so happy now.

Life is a game. The better you are at a game the more you like it. The funny thing is most of us aren’t very good in the beginning … until we get serious about getting good.

I’m not here to preach a sermon but I will say this: Winning at life involves letting go of negative emotions. I don’t talk negatively to myself, I don’t feel jealousy, hate, worry, anxiety, fear, or any negative emotion. My body is clean. It’s a temple. Take care of your body physically and emotionally and it will take care of you. Negative emotions are the downfall of any empire. Some don’t collapse but they remain stagnant because of these emotions.

Lately I start my days at 9 am. Each day there are different things I check off my To-Do list. Then my mom, the girls and I have a late breakfast together at the table. After breakfast I hurry off to get the rest done off my To-Do list. It’s anything from house repairs, phone calls, training for my new job or organizing our house.

I have to say that after years of using the “Marie Kondo” method to declutter our house… we’ve finally came to a special moment. Our house is beginning to look like a show house or something out of a magazine. It stays clean without us trying very hard. It’s actually a little scary. We’re just not used to it.

It’s almost a dream. Actually… that was my dream. For a long time I dreamed of living in a “show house.” You know the houses you tour when you’re looking to purchase a new home? They’re perfectly furnished, impeccably decorated and clean. Obviously most people don’t live like that because well… kids haha. Also because not everyone is an interior designer and lastly because not everyone knows how to organize and declutter a home. Do you know how hard it is to part with things ?? Thats why it took us years to Marie Kondo our house.

We’re finally here though and it feels like a dream. Sometimes my mom and I walk into the rooms just because we like the feeling of walking into a perfectly decorated, clean and organized room.

The interesting part about all this is that some of my brothers have started to adopt the Marie Kondo method too just from watching me. Its really nice to see the transformations.

I was going through my tech drawers earlier, checking cables and old manuals I don’t use anymore (I’ve learned to do this periodically to avoid accumulating clutter) when my mom walked in and asked if I wanted to get Kung-Pao chicken for dinner at Panda Express. We’ve been watching an Asian show lately about cooking and she knew I’ve been craving this dish.

An hour later we drove to Panda Express, got our Kung-Pao chicken, fried rice and headed home to watch the next episode of “What she put on the table.” Its a Netflix series based on the true story of Pei Mei, a famous Taiwanese chef. We watch it together as a family. Layla loves it. I love opening her eyes to different cultures, different people, different eras. There’s so much more to life than our little corner. I hope to teach Layla empathy through what we watch. She mostly laughs and says how funny the show is though.

By the way, Layla is finally learning how to read. I’ve been using an amazing book lately that makes it so easy for me to teach her. In just a few lessons she’s already reading on her own. I’m so excited for her to devour books just like I did when I was her age. After I teach her to read I think I’ll teach her a new language and we can learn it together. She wants to go to Japan one day so maaaaybe Japanese although I know that’s a challenging language to learn.

I’m excited for tomorrow. I’ll be running errands all day which I enjoy doing and I’ll also get a Chiro adjustment and massage. That’s like taking my body to Disneyland. I can’t think of anything better.

I’m starting to miss Instagram less and less. I’m happy in a way to be disconnected. I use my phone for what it should be used: to gain knowledge, information and useful resources. I’m starting to really re-think the effect social media has on people’s lives. I’ve never done a social media detox. I watched my friends do them but I never did. I didn’t feel I had to. Maybe I didn’t want to. Now that the choice isn’t mine and I’m without Instagram I’m starting to realize it just might be something that needed to happen in my life.

I don’t see anyone else’s life, stories, or posts. so I have no choice but to solely focus on mine. I have zero pressure to post about my life or create content. Therefore I solely focus on building my real life. Ive been doing things “I never had time for” before…and I feel happier. I don’t have everyone’s feelings in front of me. Just my own.

Thanks for reading,

Denise