Why I Stopped Demonizing People

I’ve grown a lot in the last year and there’s still more I will continue to learn but there’s something about my growth that I think is important to share.

In the past I used to demonize people. For those who might not be familiar with the term, it simply means you see a person as being only their flaws and dark side. You no longer see any of their positive traits.

If anyone did me wrong, they were automatically a terrible-no-good person. Basically they were the devil in human form. A slithering snake. Haha, sorry I got a little carried away there for a moment.

Anyway, I’ve learned over the past year that we all in fact have “angel” and “devil” energy within us. We were made that way. As much as we want to pretend or delude ourselves that we are 99% angels… that’s just not true. Let’s be real.

Everyone’s scale is different and some do have more devil energy while others have more angel energy. However my point is that we still all battle with devil energy inside of us.

We either say or do things that we know wasn’t the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful or caring thing. It might not happen all the time, but definitely from time to time and especially with people we find annoying.

That being said, we’re really not in any position to demonize anyone else.

As human beings we tend to hurt each other quite often in our exchanges of interaction. Sometimes accidentally and other times on purpose.

The people we want to “demonize” (because they did us wrong) usually have friends, family or kids whom they have tender loving moments with. As much as we want to say or think they have no heart…they usually do.

They have their “good side” and they have their dark side they wrestle with…the side they aren’t proud of at all. In fact they’re usually ashamed of themselves even if they don’t tell anyone.

I stopped demonizing people a while back because I realized that it’s not accurate to see someone for just their negative traits. They are a complete person with more to them than just their flaws. I might not want to be close to them anymore (because unfortunately the relationship was more negative than positive) but that doesn’t mean I have to see them in a bad light or point out their flaws to anyone else.

I also understand that they didn’t really do anything to me. They were just being “them” and I happened to cross their path.

I do this form of respecting people from my past because I feel it’s not only helpful in letting go of any negative emotions within myself but it’s also what I would like people to say and feel about me. In a way it’s a form of forgiveness, and we’d all like people to forgive our short comings.

Im not a perfect person. I’m weird as hell. I say the things no one else says. Sometimes I’m awkward. Sometimes I’m extra giving and generous, I want to befriend every stranger, I want to hold babies, play with puppies and run through a field of daisies dancing and singing. Then there’s moments where I feel like the grinch and I just wanna be alone, “Netflix and chill” (that’s such an old expression now lol) and I might say something I’ll regret. The arrow might start going downwards on the “nice meter”. However these are all moments. We all have them and we all hurt people from time to time whether it’s accidentally or on purpose. We might feel shame afterwards.

Would I want to be seen for only my flaws or imperfections? Surely not. After all that wouldn’t paint an accurate picture of me.

So I’ve learned not to demonize people. It’s not an accurate portrayal of almost anyone.

There’s people I’ll never be close with again (some family members, ex friends, ex co-workers, ex bfs) and people I don’t admire anymore (some social media influencers I was friends with.) They’ve done things that in themselves were pretty awful (again the action was awful but the person is not, as that doesn’t define them.) I forgive freely but I have no desire to trust certain situations again. We all do what we have to do to keep ourselves safe. I think that through the years some people do change and I think that’s great. We’re here to learn and evolve ourselves after all.

If I bring them up in conversation though I always acknowledge what I liked about them (and I enjoy speaking well of them!) and by doing that I respect their person even if they’re completely unaware of it. I’m much happier In my personal life because I practice this.

I didn’t even realize I was doing this. I had been meditating for a while and pondering over it until one day It made sense not to demonize anyone again. We are more than just our flaws after all. We are our positive traits too.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

A Day In My Life

In Santa Monica

I’ll prefix this by saying every day of my life is different but this was my day today..

I woke up at 5:45 am accidentally as I’ve been doing recently. I’m not sure why I wake up at ungodly hours on my own but I will stay awake for half an hour or so and then drift back to sleep. I do enjoy seeing the sun rise though. I mean I don’t actually get up and see it rise…But I watch the glowy light come through my window as I lay in bed. It’s pretty spectacular.

At around 9 am I woke up, and watched some YouTube videos on past life regression before getting out of bed. Side story here – I paid a professional hypnotist a few days ago to do a past life regression on me. It was such a bizarre experience (which is what I live for in a way.) Anyway, I was able to see quite a lot and it’s still very surreal.

Dr.Elena, the hypnotist, helped navigate me through my past life regression and I’m glad she did because I don’t think it would’ve been the same without her. Especially since it was my first time and I didn’t really know what I was doing.

It surprisingly didn’t even feel like I was “hypnotized.” I just felt my body very heavy and I could feel some type of energy over it but a good peaceful energy. She relaxed me with her voice for a good half hour before we began the journey into my past lives.

I honestly wasn’t sure if it would even work. We were having trouble in the beginning, as images looked blurry, scrambled and at times I didn’t see anything. I wondered if maybe it was a waste of my money. Dr. Elena didn’t seem surprised in the slightest and simply used her soothing voice to direct me.

Then…it started. I saw a boys bright happy face looking at me. I saw us laughing and running around. I had two short black braids and fair skin. We were both 10 years old. I could see the green grass and the river nearby. It was France in the 1500s. I knew who the boy was right away…It’s the person I’m currently talking to in this lifetime.

I saw my mother rushing me in to wash my hands for supper. I knew right away that I loved her and that she was a good caring mother. She was always in a rush, very disciplined and responsible but loving nonetheless. She told me my father would be home soon and sure enough as I was coming back from washing my hands (in a basin) I saw my father walk in. My heart stopped as I was watching this because all of a sudden I felt emotions surface up. I knew my father back then was a good dad and I loved him. As he walked in he turned over and smiled at me in his familiar warm way before sitting at the wooden table we had. His clothes were dirty from work and he looked very tired but his eyes lit up when he looked over at me. He loved me and I loved him.

Our house sort of looked like this but it was a single story with double wooden doors.
This was the dress my mother was wearing but hers was a maroon color

Physically my dad had quite a large belly, a dark mustache and a small gap between his front teeth but he had the most radiant warmest energy. Being able to see this part of my past life was emotional because It was like seeing my dad again after not having seen him in a very long time. When I remember this part of my past life regression I miss him. I miss my dad.

I saw myself run over to the table and sit with my family – my parents and a sister (who was about a year older than me.) Once seated to eat dinner my mother said, “let’s pray” and we bowed our heads to pray. We lived in a small house made of brick and stone with two wooden front doors. We were poor but happy. We had candles lit at night and we were eating what looked like beef stew and bread. My mother told me I shouldn’t play with boys so much as I was always getting hurt. I squirmed around a little and smiled mischievously but said nothing and kept eating my food. I liked playing with boys way too much to stop. I had to laugh when I saw this because it was funny to see how I’ve been a tomboy in past lives as well.

During dinner my parents talked between each other about my fathers job and money matters. We were poor so it seemed money (or the lack of) was always a topic. My sister and I ate our food happily though. We were used to hearing our parents talk about money troubles. It was nothing new.

After dinner my sister and I performed a silly dance for our parents as we normally did most evenings. We sang a song in French and giggled as we danced around. My parents watched us from the table amused as they did most nights. My mother almost had a look of “oh no here they go again” but she was smiling anyway.

Afterwards I played with our family dog. He wasn’t a very attractive dog but he was our dog. I scratched his neck playfully. Later that night once in bed, I thought about how I wanted to see the new boy (I was playing with earlier) again. I couldn’t wait to play with him the next day.

In short, that boy and I grew up, he asked my parents permission for my hand in marriage, my dad was beaming with joy, he clearly approved. My mother was happy but she just worried and wanted to make sure we didn’t fornicate before marriage. Apparently those were religious times and from what I researched there were strict rules around sex, so much that they even had a sex court and you were severely punished for committing sexual acts that were against the law. Even married you could only have sex if it was with the intention to have children. Crazy stuff right? No wonder my mother gave us “the look” that evening.

We celebrated with dinner at home with my family that night and a plain round cake. No frosting. Just a plain cake. This was the best we could do since we didn’t have much money. We were happy though.

My sister teased my new fiancé with, “well you know what this means right? You now have a new annoying sister for life.” We all laughed.

We got married – it was a very simple wedding. My dad was next to me and told me where to sign on a long official paper. I had never done this before so I appreciated his guidance and support. I was only 16. I had a long white dress on with long sleeves – it was nothing fancy but it was white. I also had a simple flower crown on my head.

Once we stepped outside after we had signed documents, the village people were waiting to congratulate us. They wanted to be there and be a part of it. They gathered around us on the grassy hill outside. My husband took my hands in his in front of everyone, looked me in the eyes smiling and said, “I promise to make you happy forever!” People cheered and clapped and the village drunks poured each other wine to celebrate. The village people walked us down the pebble stone road to what would be our newlywed home. Kids ran joyfully In front of us. I felt very happy.

Side note: I had no idea what a peasant wedding was like back then but I looked it up and apparently this was all accurate.

We had kids – lots of them. We had a very happy family, and we laughed often. My husband usually chased the kids around the house playfully while they ran from him laughing. We loved each other. He really did make me happy. I died at an old age of what seemed like bronchitis. I was coughing so much. I had grey and white hair. I was In a bed at home surrounded by my family. They knew I was dying. My husband was sitting in a chair by my bed. We were both old and a lot heavier. He leaned over and kissed my forehead and said “I love you” with tears going down his cheeks right before I passed away.

Side note: I flunked history class all through high-school because I had no interest in knowing about dead people. So going into this, I literally had no idea what life was like in France in the 1500s. It’s surreal that I now have an understanding of that time.

I also saw my previous life before this one which blew my mind. I was 20 years old in 1954. My name was Dolores. I was attractive, slim, with big perky breast’s. I was a little surprised with the breasts. I just didn’t imagine having those on me. I had to do a double take.

Anyway, my dad was white and my mom was Hispanic so I was mixed. We were middle class and I was an only child. My parents worked a lot and were mostly absent. Even when they were around they weren’t very expressive.

I lived in a two story home in California. It was painted white and it was on a Main Street. One of my girlfriends told me not to go with a boy who Invited me out. I didn’t listen to her and went with him anyway. He was a rich boy and had a brand new corvette. It was shiny blue with cream leather interior seats. I really liked the car. What I didn’t like is that he wanted to “park” and make out. He was a moderately handsome guy with very nice blonde hair slicked back but I didn’t actually like him in that way. I especially didn’t like him feeling up on me. So I told him to stop and when he wouldn’t, I got out of the car. It was dark outside. We seemed to be by a park. I stood on the sidewalk near a tree. He got out and came over to me. He was so angry. He kept shouting at me while I stood there annoyed with my arms crossed. He was supposed to have taken me dancing but instead all he wanted to do was park and make out. I asked him to just take me home. He was still angry but agreed. “Oh I’ll take you home alright! If that’s what you want!” He said.

We got back in the car and as he drove, he kept shouting angrily. I wondered if he was going to calm down. I didn’t understand why he was so angry. Then all of a sudden I saw a trucks headlights coming toward us, I heard loud honking, and the next thing that happened is we crashed and died. I saw the police tell my parents the news at our front door step that night. I saw my mother cry into her hands uncontrollably. I saw how my dad tried to pull it together but my mom couldn’t. For years she cried and blamed herself for my death. I got choked up and I wanted to tell her not to cry anymore. I wanted to tell her I didn’t blame her. I’m simply impulsive sometimes and don’t think things through all the way. I should’ve listened to my friend. Anyway I didn’t blame my mom and I didn’t want her to cry. It broke my heart. We weren’t very close but I just couldn’t see her cry like that. It still makes me sad to remember. I could see her sitting in the recliner chair in our living room crying. I had never seen anyone cry like that before. It was painful to watch. She was just so broken over my death for so long…

Dr.Elena asked me how I felt living in that time period before I died. I told her I felt excited. My friends were constantly picking me in their car to go have fun. I wanted to have a career in either dancing or being on television. My friends would encourage me. “You oughta do it Dolores! You’re good at it!” I had so many aspirations and dreams right before I died.

Dr.Elena then had me visit a memory from before I died in that life that was meaningful to me. I wondered what I would see. Then instantly I was there…It was my sweet 16 party. I saw everything – The round cake with frosting and 16 candles, the long pretty pink lace dress I had on, my friends being goofballs, 50s music records playing in the living room, etc. What was memorable though was that after all my friends sang me happy birthday, my parents wanted to say a few words. They told me they were proud of me, and they knew I would do big things. They were also proud of my good grades in school. Then they wished me a happy birthday. I got teary eyed because they had never told me anything like this before. I didn’t even know they thought that highly of me.

I was opening presents and one of my guy friends said, “Dolores if you don’t like mine you can return it.” He was teasing me. He had a big smile on his face. I smiled back and said, “Don’t be silly! Of course I’ll love it.” I undid the ribbon from the brown paper wrapped gift. Then I noticed a boy in the crowd. It was someone I had a crush on from school. He looked at me with big loving blue eyes. That night was simply wonderful for me. I continued to open presents. It was mostly clothes. I held a nice cardigan up for everyone to see. I also was given a thin silver watch. I was about to see more but my past life regression was over after that. Dr. Elena brought me out of hypnosis soon after as our time was up.

It makes sense to me now why I love dancing so much and why I’ve been so fixated on the 1950s era ever since I was a teenager.

This was a bizarre experience as part of me was wondering if I made this all up but the other part knows I simply saw the images and information as it was coming to me. I could’ve never imagined all of it as it was things I had no idea about. Also I never would’ve imagined my name was Dolores. Or that my father was white and my mother Hispanic. I kept rejecting the name “Dolores” but it kept being repeated to me until I finally said, “Ok I guess my name was Dolores.” I thought it was a strange name but after doing some research I found out it was one of the most popular names in that time period.

Past life regression is interesting to me and I might try it again on my own. I want to see more things from my life in the 50s. I also want to explore more memories I have with the person I’m talking to.

Anyway back to today (sorry for the side track) I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and then had breakfast with my mom. My younger brother was helping my daughter with the Nintendo switch he got her for her birthday. He’s staying the weekend with us which is nice since we hadn’t seen him in a while. My uncle came to visit too but he was outside working around the house with his portable radio on. He just turned 76. He has the sharpest memory I’ve ever witnessed and he’s more confident than most people. I love those things about him.

After breakfast I sorted through mail which I accidentally let pile up for 2 weeks but most of it was junk so it’s not a biggie. Then I got ready to go to Valencia. I needed to exchange some lululemon shorts and I also needed to pick up my moms prescription.

I drove through the mountains overlooking gorgeous views for an hour listening to classic oldies. It’s so therapeutic for me to drive, listen to music and think about my life.

The exchange at Lululemon was very easy and simple. I had gotten shorts that were too big and Lululemon let me exchange them even though it was after 30 days from the purchase. Wow. I’ll definitely be purchasing more from them. Anyway the sales lady was amazing and quickly brought a pair of black leggings in my correct size and now I have my first pair of classic Lululemon leggings. I know it’s lame but I see other girls wear them at my Pilates class and I really wanted a pair too.

Anyway, I decided to stop at Lazy Dog, the restaurant to grab something to eat. I was quickly seated and a waiter promptly came over to get my drink order and then my meal order. He was a young man in his 20s. He made me laugh when he told me I couldn’t have dessert with my meal. He looked like he was joking but he really wasn’t. No one had ever told me I couldn’t have dessert with my meal. I’ve always done it that way. This waiter told me I had to finish my food first and then he would bring me my dessert. He had a funny way of saying it and I almost couldn’t stop laughing. I had the wok-calamari which is a favorite of mine now, and eventually he brought me my warm apple pie.

I watched “pitch perfect” on my phone while I ate my food. Once I was done I asked for the check and tipped my waiter $12. He was constantly checking to see if I needed something or if everything was good and he made me laugh so I felt he deserved a tip. He was gracious about it, thanked me and wished me a good day.

Anyway as I was leaving, an older man stopped me and told me, “hey cmere.” so I walked over to him and his friend. They were white men in their 60s wearing cargo shorts and polo shirts. They were sitting at a table that faced the one I had sat in. He Introduced himself and his friend and told me they were both watching me and said “we think you’re the classiest lady we’ve ever seen. I just wanted to tell you that and I hope you have a nice day.” Ohmygosh he was so sweet. I thanked them kindly and then left but wow. What a compliment. I’ll never forget it.

Bathroom selfie at the LAZY DOG restaurant

After that I went to the pharmacy inside Albertsons to pick up my moms prescription for progesterone. It’s what her hormone doctor prescribed her. She’s doing so much better lately now that she’s on bio-identical hormones for her menopause. Ive been taking her to a hormone specialist in Santa Monica.

Once home, I had a little bit of dinner with my mom, uncle, and brother. I had already ate at the restaurant but my family wanted me to have dinner with them so I made myself a small plate of food. My mom made my brothers favorite: chili meat, rice and beans. She also made strawberries and cream for dessert. I forgot I wasn’t hungry once I started eating. Everything was so good.

After dinner my uncle wanted to be taken home so we got in the car to make the drive to his home.

Layla & Sophie – I might be putting them into modeling for Disney print work.

I had no idea that my uncle had declared his love for my mom earlier and my mom turned him down saying she could never date one of her ex husbands brothers. She was nice about it but I think my uncle might’ve felt a bit awkward and that’s why he wanted to be taken home early.

I don’t know if we’ll be seeing my uncle very much anymore. It makes me sad because he’s like a grandpa to me but he made things a little awkward now.

Anyway, I stopped at the Fastrip gas station to get gas. When I walked in all this nostalgia hit me. This was the store I always went into as a kid. I used to buy the hot potato wedges after school… I was happy to see they still had them. My brother and our friends used to play on the arcade machines by the entrance. Now lotto machines were there. We used to get slushees. Now they were in the back instead of in the middle of the store. It was a little different but basically still the same. It was weird but nice to be transported back to those times.

Once we got home, I watched part of a new show “I’m not Ok” with my brother Dion before my other brother Damian and his wife came over. My brothers wife is 3 months pregnant so we talked about pregnancy things at the table for a while. Then my brother Damian joined the conversation and we talked and caught up with each other’s lives.

It’s funny because we didn’t grow up being close. We’ve had to learn to build family patterns we didn’t even have. Our parents were well intentioned but there’s was no “Ohana” bonding in our family. I’m honestly proud of how far we’ve come.

After my brother and his wife left, my mom and I sat on the sofa and chatted for a while about my girls trip to Napa Valley next month with my 2 girl friends. We had an amazing girls trip a year and half ago and now we’re about to do it again for my friends Birthday.

We’re also going to Disneyland, Legoland, and a Dodgers game next month as a family. So far a lot of amusement parks and places are only open to California residents this summer due to Covid. That means this is the first summer we don’t have to worry about Disneyland, Six-flags or Legoland being overcrowded. The Dodgers stadium should be back at its full capacity next month when we go (50 thousand people.) I prefer a full stadium though. It’s more exciting.

At 10 pm Layla and I brushed our teeth and got into bed. I told her I loved her and snuggled with her for a while until she finally fell asleep. Then I wrote this blog post.

Tomorrow we have our first family park day. I got Layla and Sophie bikes, scooters, roller skates, kites, bubbles, frisbees, and a bounce ball. I’ve always seen other families do this but our family never did so I decided to start the tradition. I can’t wait for tomorrow.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

A Private Life

Lately I’ve thought about how private my life has become and it’s something I would’ve never imagined. Will it stay this way? No. Haha It’s about to be very public since my family and I will be venturing into the world of YouTube vlogging (for Layla and Sophie’s channel – my niece and daughter for those not familiar) but I have been enjoying having this new private life lately.

On our way to my aunts house for a birthday party

Im a weird individual – I love privacy but I also love being an open book and sharing my life. For a while now though no one has really known anything about my life except those closest to me. In this modern world it feels a bit odd when no one really knows what you’re up to.

It takes me back to 2010 when cell phones were the norm and yet I refused to have one. I would tell my friends to leave a message for me on my moms cell if they needed to reach me. Even my mom thought that was weird but I didn’t like being accessible. Eventually my parents forced me to get a phone but I think I’ve always enjoyed moments in my life where no one knew anything about me and my whereabouts.

Currently, my life is great and no one even knows it. Isn’t that weird with everyone broadcasting every flex on the Internet? Yet I’ve just been living my life happily without almost anyone knowing. Thinking back though…my life used to be so horrible that I always contemplated suicide. Now I think back and realize I was basically serving a jail sentence for the past 20 years of my life.

Fast forward to this year and it’s one of the best years I’ve ever had. I finally understand so much about life. I understand and know the answers most people ask themselves – why were really here, what our purpose is and what really happens when we die. I’ve had a spiritual awakening in the past year. It’s one of the most beautiful things that could’ve happened to me. Life finally makes sense.

When I was in a religious cult I was told we had all the answers – we were the “superior religion” – but deep down I know we all still had questions unanswered. I know I did. I would write them down to ask an elder later but I felt that it wasn’t right to ask too many questions so I stopped asking. There was a nervous anxious energy in the congregation as we always expected the worst to happen at any moment. I’m amazed at myself to have come so far from that. I feel at peace to finally have answers that fulfill me.

I used to believe reincarnation was the dumbest thing on earth. My mind refused to believe in it as it went against my religious beliefs. We were taught that we “don’t have a soul” (which is unbelievably absurd to me now that I ever believed those lies) and we shouldn’t even utter the word “soul.” I felt guilty if I even used the word casually. Part of me believed we had a soul but I whole heartedly didn’t want to believe in reincarnation because it would mean my religious beliefs were wrong.

I now know we definitely have a soul (I mean duh) and I believe in reincarnation and past lives. It makes more sense to me than anything I’ve ever learned about. I’m glad to know that most of my friends believe in this too. I hope more and more people begin to understand that the soul never dies. It simply changes bodies through each lifetime like changing clothes. Our bodies are a matter of atoms and cells. Once the soul is gone, the body simply decomposes. The only thing that makes a body move and operate is the soul. That’s the energy that moves it and animates it. We are here to learn to let go of ego, pride, anger and all the negative emotions if we are to ascend higher. Otherwise we keep coming back to pay our karmic debts over and over.

I have no idea what I did in a past life – I would like to know and I plan on doing a “past life regression” (it’s hypnosis to see who you were in past lives) but I can already imagine I probably did some things I might not be too proud of since it seems I was paying back for it in this life.

I had the absolute WORST luck for the past 20 years. I mean it was…shit. Like seriously. I could write a whole book on the hell I lived and people probably wouldn’t believe me because it was way more than the average persons bad luck and I seemed to catch no break. At this point I understand I was most likely paying back for something I did.

I’ve always been the kind of person to defend my brothers from bullies in school, give to homeless people, play with children, give money and extravagant gifts to family and friends, and just generally a good person so for a long time I couldn’t understand why my life was shit. I would pray and ask God why I was being punished if I was a good person. I now realize that while I’ve been an overall good person there were karmic dues I needed to pay.

Something funny happened though. Last year things started to shift in my life. Everything was changing and aligning itself. I felt a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. I was talking to a friend about it and she just randomly said “-that’s because you passed the test.” I did a double look at her. My brain wasn’t computing what she had just said. It was just so random and unexpected. She repeated herself, “you passed the test.”

She told me I handled all the betrayal I experienced the years prior in the right manner. She’s an old soul and spiritual. I was a little dumb struck because I was still new to the spiritual world but I knew she was probably right. My life felt like it had been one long exhausting test. To hear the words “you passed the test” was a welcome phrase that brought me relief.

Lately I’ve been experiencing blessings like never before. People wouldn’t even believe it. Only those closest to me know and smile amazed. I now understand the saying “life isn’t fair.” Some seem to have it good while others don’t. It really isn’t fair and at the same time it is. It’s all karma. Either you’re paying Karma or you passed the test. That’s really what it comes down to when people have “good” or “bad” luck.

Lately I feel I can win the lottery if I played in a Vegas casino…but I don’t like to gamble. I might get lucky investing though. I feel that my spirit guides are wanting me to start Investing lately. Sometimes when you’re meant to do something, you’ll get “gentle reminders” over and over.

I love knowing that life is really about paying your karmic dues and everything gets so much easier after you do. My advice: Repair bad relationships, forgive freely, wish well on others, give, donate, help people. Don’t get revenge. Don’t do bad things. As much as people go to church, most can’t seem to suppress their negative emotions towards those they dislike but until they do, they will continue to pay the karma life after life.

My life lately is very different from how it ever was. I wake up each morning around 10 am after a full nights rest, and later have a beautiful brunch with my mom. She fixes the nicest plates – I call her the “Mexican Martha Stewart.” We talk about everything from spirituality, life events, funny things, our family tree, and my love life. I usually make my mom laugh without trying to. I really love our talks. I love how she proudly fixes gourmet meals for us and looks forward to me joining her at the table. She also makes me a green juice and brings it to my bed each morning in a mason jar with a straw. I could say no to the special treatment but…I’m kind of used to it by now to be honest. I feel my mom feels good doing this and I wouldn’t want to stop her from feeling good haha.

Next I usually do some house cleaning, laundry or office work (I pay bills or buy things we need.) Some days we go out to have fun and other days we stay in and watch a funny movie together. We’ve watched “The Hangover” & “21 Jump Street” lately – two of my all time favorites. Most people have never watched a movie with me except my family and they’re used to my reactions but I do have some pretty wild reactions and weird laughs haha.

I recently booked a vacation to Legoland for next month (which we will be vlogging fully – I finally took the plunge and bought the Canon power shot G7 x mark ll camera so these will be quality vlogs) and we’ll be staying at a ritzy hotel with a beautiful resort and pool. I purchased this high waisted Balmain bikini I really had my eyes on since last year. I found one of the last pieces available in my size at a discounted price. Score!

This bikini is literally everything

I need to get my summer body ready though. I would like to say I will stop eating bread and work out like crazy but the truth is I’ll probably just take a bunch of fat burning capsules. I’m just being honest here. If they work I will update in a future blog. No worries though, they are natural and most people think they don’t work but I have experienced that they do work in the past. Let’s see if they still work this time around.

I’ll still do Pilates here and there though since that work out gave me the best butt and legs I’ve ever had. It’s just hard to not eat bread or chocolate. Those are my vices.

Anyway, I’m just happy lately. It’s a peaceful happiness. After the bad life I’ve had Im pleasantly surprised at what it’s become. I enjoy resting, relaxing, dancing, reading, long talks, and going to one of the most beautiful parks I’ve ever seen with my family. I also thoroughly enjoy the views from our windows at home. My moms roses are in full bloom and they look like something out of a fairy tale. I feel like I’m living in a type of heaven lately. A heaven on earth. Something I didn’t even know was possible.

Before my moms roses bloomed
After they bloomed

I’m glad that as bad as my life was I never actually committed suicide because had I done it, I would’ve been stuck in a realm as a punishment and then sent back to reincarnate in a new body anyway. For anyone contemplating suicide: DONT DO IT. You’ll only be punished for it. If you have karma to pay, you must pay it. The lessons must be learned and there are no “short cuts” to take. Your soul doesn’t “end” just because you think you ended it. Pay your dues if you must. Hopefully you have a pleasant experience on earth.

Bag: COACH, dress: TARGET, heels: GUESS

This is no longer relevant to the subject but I just want to end the blog post by saying that for those wondering why I cut my hair so short the answer is simple: I just didn’t want to look like a stripper. I have nothing against strippers but I don’t want to be over sexualized.

Yet despite cutting my hair so short… men still stare at me like animals looking at a steak meat every time I leave the house. So I guess maybe there was no point in cutting my hair so short. Still I personally like it. I think Its because I really hate the idea of being seen like an object, a sex object. Long hair on me makes me look like a stripper and guys have told me I look like a porn star in the past. So in a way I wanted to look “normal”, “average”, and maybe kind of ugly. It didn’t seem to work but I tried. I think I’ll keep the short hair for a while though. It makes me feel good.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

My mom & Sophie outside of Denny’s
Hat, top, shorts: Target 🎯
My mom looked so pretty
Top: TARGET, jeans: J brand
Hat & sandals: Adidas, T shirt: Disney, jogging pants: Walmart
Cardigan: banana republic, dress: Macy’s, heels: Valentino
Top: TARGET, shorts: Nike, flip flops: Roxy, sunglasses: Gucci
Sunglasses: Celine, t shirt: H&M, shorts: Adidas, sandals: Kate Spade ♠️ bag: Coach
Top: Aerie

What I’ve Learned about Healthy Relationships

Last year I had my last toxic relationship. I smile when I think about it because I picture myself kissing it goodbye with a big smile. I learned the knowledge necessary to stop the cycle from being repeated all through out my life.

Many people are born into toxic environments/ families and it’s what they’ve been conditioned to accept and even crave. It’s what’s “comfortable.” I was raised in a dysfunctional family as many people are. In the past year I had to learn to re-program what I’m attracted to.

After that toxic relationship was over I went into a healthy relationship – the healthiest one I’ve ever had.

I ignored this new person at first even though I thought he was nice and handsome – he has amazing green eyes and the sweetest smile. I just wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship though. Anyway, he persisted and eventually after about a month and a half I finally started to see him differently.

The truth is I needed the love and affection he showered me with. I just didn’t know how to accept that love. I also didn’t know what it felt like to be truly adored but once I did…It changed me. Let’s just say you can get used to a good thing.

I was covered in all these warm happy feelings consistently for months – this is “the honey moon” period of healthy relationships. There were no mind games, just love, honesty, friendship, and laughs. Everything was so transparent, and easy…I felt safe with him from the start. I’ve always known that I could be myself around him. If anything he matches my weird haha.

For months we were blissful. At times I felt weird though. “Why is everything so…calm ?” I wondered. “Am I not in love ?” I questioned myself. I almost wanted to end it. I was so used to the highs and lows of toxic relationships. I had to keep doing self work and learn to accept that healthy relationships look and feel different. I had to fight the urge to run.

It’s been over half a year and we still talk every day. I love this person so much…like I “wuv” him ha-ha. He’s one of my best friends but we can’t be together. The factors that keep us from being together are out of our control (religion and distance.) Recently he told me he would propose marriage if distance wasn’t an issue. Religion is a big factor too. Still, he taught me what it is to have a healthy relationship. I can’t ever go back to a toxic one after knowing what a healthy relationship is like.

He taught me how important it is to be friends first. He didn’t rush in, he took his time, and let the friendship blossom. We didn’t say anything about liking each other or sending sexy emojis until months later. We just talked daily and enjoyed our friendship. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had.

We both know the most we can offer each other is friendship and for us that’s good enough. I’m his happiness and he’s mine. The only reason I would stop communicating with him is if I got in a serious relationship or the person Im getting to know wants to be exclusively dating. Otherwise I don’t see a reason to cut off ties with my best friend. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and I never will. So if I had to stop talking to him I would. The thought of not talking to him makes me kinda sad though. I know it makes him sad too. When we went on a little break a few months ago, he nearly lost his mind and didn’t care if I knew it. He sent me the cutest video. I cried while brushing my teeth. We were both heart broken. We’re better when we talk to each other. Life just feels right that way.

I can’t speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself since I’ve already done so much of the inner work which has allowed me to be open to giving men a chance even if I don’t feel that I’m really “into them.” I know that my feelings can change or evolve with time. I realize women who haven’t done the inner work will find it hard to be friends first and that’s really a shame because friendship is the base for everything.

I’d rather enjoy people’s personalities and vibe with them as friends first instead of being so caught up in where a relationship is going or jumping into it too fast. Actually I think the worst thing anyone can do is go too fast.

People (in the U.S. primarily) are so afraid of being “friend zoned” and that’s a legitimate fear because many men and women will ignore someone who is too good to them, due to a dysfunctional upbringing. That’s why it’s important to reprogram our attachment styles and what we’re attracted to. Otherwise the dysfunction keeps going around in loops. We have to normalize being friends again.

I don’t believe you can find love on a dating app because respectable high value people are usually not on those apps. Men (and some women) use them as hook up apps – not “dating apps.” Real love doesn’t start on an app where people are lined up like animal cattle basically saying “pick me, pick me!” Or “swipe right on me!” It’s just not organic. There is always the exception but for the most part these are not dating apps…they are hook-up apps.

So where do you find respectable high value people? Anywhere really. The question is actually more so: Will you be the one to say hello first ? a lot of people have too much pride and fear of rejection to initiate a simple conversation. In reality it just takes saying hello and making a little conversation with people when you go out. Smile. Say something nice. It really doesn’t take a lot to get the ball moving. There’s no harm in wanting to be friends.

Things I think people should stop doing: friends with benefits. Why is there benefits when they haven’t been earned? From what I hear women aren’t even “pleased” properly or at all in these interactions. Are they really even friends? Most of the time: No. it’s the most absurd arrangement I’ve ever heard of. Something my dad told me when I was young was: never take crumbs from a man. Being friends with benefits is definitely crumbs. I can’t think of a “crumb-y-er” thing. No pun intended.

Number two. I wish people would stop idealizing and fantasizing a person before they even really know them. That’s probably the fastest way to “miserable town.” As much as you want to imagine how great your life can be with someone, stop and remember that they are a normal flawed person. Until they prove what they can actually do for you don’t ever put them on a pedestal. I wouldn’t put them on a pedestal even after that…but I would probably give them a hug. I’m kidding I’m kidding. (I have dry humor haha.)

Lastly, don’t kiss anyone right away. The chemicals that get released from kissing will make you think you like that person more than you actually do. You want to make sure you actually like each other.

Also worth mentioning…So many people are frustrated with the dating scene lately and sort of welcome the idea of arranged marriages. These are arranged not forced meaning both people agree to the marriage.

The downside of arranged marriages is obviously that you won’t get to know each other very well until later on in the marriage. For me that doesn’t work. I want to make sure it’s my best friend before agreeing to something like that. I also want them to earn my love and body. I wanna see that work being put in haha.

For a lot of people though, their dating problems would be solved easily if they focused on being friends. Maybe I should start a work shop where I teach people how to reprogram their toxic tendencies, unblock their chakras, and learn to start a relationship as friends.

I hope in the future I can help people with their dating troubles. The world needs it.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

6 Reasons Why I Won’t Ever Have an Instagram Again

It’s been almost two months since my Instagram got disabled. In that time I realized some really eye opening things.

1. I like to document my life. I always have. It’s just fun to look back on. I used to document it on Instagram but I didn’t feel that I really got the whole story on there. It’s not really possible since Instagram is mostly a place to share pictures not full blown essays and blogs haha. So many times I felt what was portrayed in my pictures wasn’t accurate with what was going on in my life. I would feel frustrated. It just wasn’t the best way to document my life and invest the time into it. Especially since I wasn’t being paid to do it. It also isn’t good for people to look at pictures and compare their lives without really understanding that persons life. It set up that way though when all you see is pictures, small captions and you’re not actually getting to know someone. I don’t blame people for falling into the trap of comparison. It’s almost unavoidable the way IG is set up. I prefer blogging where I can document a day and write down exactly what I was thinking, feeling, what was said and done.

2. I really believe that you cannot keep up with a hundred friends online. It’s too much to watch everyone’s stories and message each other to stay close. I think the most we can realistically keep up with is about 5 friends. I really don’t have time to give 100 people love and attention. It’s unrealistic. However I felt guilty if I couldn’t. I made so many amazing friends easily on IG but then I couldn’t keep up with their lives and it stressed me out. Now I realize that we’re not built to keep up with 100 friends. The max for me is 5. However being on IG makes it nearly impossible to stay at 5.

3. The content on IG isn’t always ground-breaking. I get better content and information from YouTube and TikTok. The only reason for having an IG for me would be to follow pages that pertain to my hobbies like roller skating, doll houses, reborn dolls, and trends / fashion. Other wise I feel that I’m wasting my time and time is precious!

4. I think it’s odd to share your life the way IG has it set up where you get validated with views and likes. On platforms like YouTube, TikTok and blogging I feel that you are more of an actual creator. You’re showcasing a talent. So having followers like or view your content is fitting. However it feels odd that to be validated in the same way on platforms like FaceBook and Instagram for sharing a picture of your dog or grandma. That means your personal life is being assessed by the public and deemed worthy or not. What in the bull crock… I’d rather share family pictures … with my family. If we have a family event and took photos I will send the photos directly to my family through text or a link. It’s more personal and they get to keep the pictures. They also don’t have to awkwardly “like” the picture along with all your other “followers” as if they were a groupie. Cringe.

5. It’s the worst place for couples. Omg. Don’t even get me started. The things that go on with couples on Instagram and Facebook is insane. I don’t blame the couples. I blame the set up. Instagram and Facebook set couples up for failure. You want a good relationship? One or both people have to be off those platforms.

6. Instagram almost seems like a Red light district. Am I wrong ? We all know it’s where the half naked girls are at. Instagram is like driving a car through a city. You have the middle class neighborhood with the moms and babies, the park with the fitness people, the wealthy neighborhood with the designer clad influencer moms, the ghetto neighborhood with the guns, gold chains twerking and rapping, and then you keep driving, take a left, keep going… ok now were at the red light district. Hello booty pics and everything in between. The thing is normal every girls take it upon themselves to be strippers for free on Instagram. It’s mind boggling. I get that they like the attention and validation but it is just the farthest thing from having self respect. Even strippers know to get paid for taking their clothes off. Instagram really outdid itself in getting people to fall for its set up.

In the end, Im no longer the biggest fan of IG. Sometimes I think that my spirit guides and angels purposely had my account disabled so I could wake up and focus on the things that will actually be beneficial in my life. It was a blessing in disguise.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Birthday Girl Fun

I turned 35 last week. Most people feel different about getting older. I embrace it. Actually I feel young. I feel that I’m at my prime. I still look better than a 75 year old (Im just saying) and I now have a lot more wisdom than I had in my 20s. I’m loving it.

This was actually my first celebrated birthday in almost 30 years. My family joined a religious cult when I was 7 years old. No more birthdays were celebrated after that. I was taught to hate them since “God hated them.” They were “of the Devil.” Jesus Christ… I feel bad for who I was when I believed that.

Anyway, I celebrated the girls birthdays recently but I wasn’t going to do anything special for mine. It just felt funny to plan my own birthday when I hadn’t had one celebrated in so long. Layla wasnt going to let me *not celebrate my birthday though. Days leading up to it she kept asking me what I wanted to do for my birthday. She basically made me plan it. She also made me buy wrapping paper so she could wrap me a gift.

The day of my Birthday I woke up and got ready for my early morning self defense class which was great. I received my white belt that day.

After my self defense class, I went home and got “Birthday Ready”. Before we could celebrate my birthday though My family & I headed to a big park for an Easter egg hunt for the girls. The News station had their cameras set up recording the event. A local church was giving out free baskets for the kids and free lunch as well as pictures with the Easter bunny. It was amazing. I couldn’t believe it was free. God Bless the church who did this for the kids. The baskets were filled with so many goodies, and the lunch was amazing. We had hot dogs, chips, macaroni salad, sodas, and beans – the works. A police officer was also at the park and the girls got stickers. I was so happy that the girls were getting the full “Easter Experience.”

I even made a friend while we waited in line for the Easter Baskets. Her name is Kristina. She’s around my age and was standing in front of me with her daughter. We started talking about the event, then we started talking about our lives and then she invited me to her daughters birthday party this weekend. Its so funny how one moment you’re strangers and the next you’re friends. We’ve been texting each other lately and I even got the gift for her daughter already.

Sometimes I think about the cool girls I’ve met inside SEPHORA and MAC and so many other places. They literally would tell me things like, “we should be friends, we should hang out,” and I would decline the offer (nicely) because I was in a cult and I couldn’t have “worldly friends”. It’s nice that things are different now.

After the park, We headed to Beverly Hills to celebrate my Birthday. I chose to have dinner at THE IVY. I had wanted to eat there for so long. Its one of the most IT places to eat at in Beverly Hills. Celebrities eat there frequently, as well as influencers, and of course your neighborly millionaires. Basically if you’re into a fashionable venue, this is IT. Its also one of the only restaurants that has fresh roses on every table, everyday. The food is also good of course.

As we got closer to the restaurant my heart started to race. OMG this is it…I thought. I could see the Valet in front of the beautiful lush restaurant and suddenly I started to feel out of place. I parked my car and waited for a valet to come over. Just play it cool, I thought. I could feel myself get a little nervous. Jesus, it was just dinner but it felt like I was going to prom. The restaurant was just so …out of this world. It was packed with people. Very fashionable people. Very expensive people. I grew up in a small town and worked in a mechanic shop almost all my life so this wasn’t exactly my every day scene. Sometimes I wonder why I get myself into certain situations.

The Valet quickly came over and opened my door. I gave him my car key, thanked him, and headed towards the restaurant. I was overwhelmed by the fashionable women everywhere. I acted cool though. Then suddenly I remembered that I brought my knock-off Bottega Venetta BAG!! And right in front of me was a girl with a REAL Bottega Venetta bag! I wanted to die. She’s gonna know, She’s gonna know, I thought as I tried to hide my bag. You cant hide a Bottega Venetta bag though. They’re too chunky. The saving grace is that my knock off looks almost identical to the real one so hopefully she couldn’t entirely tell. I saw her looking at my bag though as if admiring it as I walked by. I only paid $100 for mine and she paid $4000 for hers. I walked by more fashionable high class women before getting to the waiters who were dressed impeccably and very efficient. They quickly seated us at a table despite the fact that they were full. I had made a reservation before hand but accidentally made it for two people instead of four. Despite that fact, they were gracious to have us seated at a table right away.

All the people around us looked seriously loaded. The girls from the table across from ours were talking about their maids, their businesses, and their chihuahuas. I couldn’t help feeling out of place. However, I liked the restaurant and I was happy to finally try it out.

The woman on the other table had a lot of plastic surgery and was there with what looked like the entrepreneur boyfriend. On the other table was a family that looked wealthy but it was a “quiet” type of wealth. They didn’t bother with designer clothes but they had the manners and facial expressions of wealth. At a table far across was a very elegant woman with her husband. Old money for sure.

Anyway, I started to relax when I realized no one was alarmed by my presence. Some even admired Layla & Sophie’s outfits. Our waiter took our orders and soon came back with our orange juices served in glasses with straws. WOW. bougie. Then he brought out our plates of enchiladas. They were amazing. I ordered a coffee and it was heavenly. The cup was also fantastic. Then he brought out my birthday plate. It had a thick slice of red velvet cake with a huge candle, and desserts on the side. WOW again. My mom and the girls sang me happy birthday and we shared the big cake slice.

The waiter had messed up on my order a few times, but it was nothing too bad. He seemed really grateful that I didn’t make a big deal out of it and I still left him a $20 tip. As I waited outside for the valet, I turned and saw my waiter. He looked at me and clasped his hands together and bowed down a little. I bowed down a little as well and smiled. It was a nice moment.

Then our Valet showed up with my car and opened our doors for us. He was so gracious and wished me a very good day.

As we drove off my mom and I looked at each other. “Well that was an experience,” I said and we laughed a little.

We continued the Birthday fun by going to the Americana in Glendale. There we saw many more fashionable people. It intimidates me a little but I also love it. We went into Barnes & Nobles – this one in particular has 3 floors and a very amazing selection of books and gifts. It also has a Starbucks on the third floor with a very bougie selection of food items that I’ve never seen at any other Starbucks. We had fun picking new books and some toys for the girls.

Next we went into Nordstrom. I got the girls their first pairs of Native shoes. I had seen them before but I never thought much of them until I saw them in person and Layla really wanted a pair. Now I absolutely love them. They’re adorable and great for the outdoors.

Once home, I opened the presents from Layla, Sophie & my mom. Layla made me a sweet card and a beaded bracelet that spells out “BTS” since she’s knows I’m into them (They’re a K-POP band.) Sophie gifted me a journal and a sweet drawing. My mom was excited to gift me something as well. It was Frankincense oil. I was a little surprised. OIL?? for my Birthday? It just seemed a little strange until she explained that its AMAZING for your skin. After she said that, I was on board. YES, that’s definitely a great Birthday gift. She knows me well. I’ve actually been using it for a week now and I can confirm that it really is amazing. My mom wanted to get me myrrh oil but couldn’t find it so she got the next best thing which was the frankincense oil. They both come from olive plants so you can imagine how good they are for skin.

Then there was a letter from my mom.

I read it when I was alone in my room. In it she wrote how much she loved me and how she only wanted good things for me. I will leave out the rest as its a personal letter but it filled my heart with love and healing.

My brother and his wife came over as well with a present for me. My brother picked out a set of lotion, body wash, and body spray from BATH & BODY WORKS. The crazy thing is that the scent he picked out is actually my most favorite scent ever. I’m so happy with the body spray – I take it with me everywhere. I love it so much. Its interesting to me how sometimes other people can gift you things you would’ve never thought of buying for yourself but you end up really loving. Thank God for Birthdays haha.

The next day my nieces came over for some more Easter fun with the girls. I gave Layla and Sophie the Easter baskets I made for them and they were thrilled. I also made lemon cupcakes with a cheesecake frosting. All in all it was a great Weekend. Praise be to Jesus Christ. All things are possible through him.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Healing from the past – FINALLY

I’ve always been about inner growth, forgiving and moving forward in life. However there was ONE thing that had been bugging me for a few years now. The more I tried to ignore it the more it grew within me showing up in an ugly way.

In my family, I have 6 brothers and 1 sister. If you were to ask them they would tell you upfront that I’m “the favorite.” Well Geez Louise, being the favorite didn’t come with too many bells and whistles in this house, I’ll tell you that.

The funny thing about families is all the secrets that not everyone knows. You can be born in the same family and live together at times and still be unaware of many things that go on between family members.

A few years ago… I felt my moms betrayal. I think it’s somewhat more “normal” or common to feel it from anyone else… except your own mother. That type of betrayal just cuts in the different way.

I brought up how I felt about her betrayals a few times over the years hoping for some sort of apology. It never happened. So this sort of hate started to grow despite still wanting to have a good relationship with her. I didn’t even know I had any bitter resentment towards her. For a long time I was unaware of it.

I found myself using not-so-nice tones with her though, and just generally not being very nice – only with her. Well let’s not sugar coat it: I was a b*#@& sometimes. It was like a tiny bitter feeling that grew day by day. I started to ask myself why I was feeling this way. I pondered over it and started to realize that I had not forgiven her.

I brought it up to my friend over lunch last week and she suggested I have a heart to heart with my mom, adding, “-until things get fixed you’re going to continue to have it affect you and you won’t be truly happy.”

That night when I got home, my mom and I had a heart to heart. It started from an argument – she was upset at how I was making her feel because I was unintentionally taking my anger out on her from what seemed like nothing, and then it escalated into me opening up about the past again.

I told her I didn’t mean to talk to her that way or treat her that way but I felt like I couldn’t help it. I was just so angry at her for what she said and did to me in the past but more than anything I was mad that she never apologized despite all the chances I gave her.

I had never seen her cry so hard in my life. It was literally the hardest thing for her to apologize to me… it looked like the apology was stuck in her throat for a while …but she finally did it. She said she didn’t like thinking about the past because it hurt too much and she knew she should’ve done better as a mother to me. She said remembering the past was so painful that it almost felt like death to her.

She apologized for disrespecting me at work in front of everyone when I was running our family business and providing for her. Looking back she doesn’t exactly understand why she acted that way. She apologized for the times she looked me in the eyes and told me she didn’t love me. Twice. She said she didn’t remember that very well but said she didn’t mean it that way. She also apologized and began crying again when she remembered how my dad used to verbally abuse me and she didn’t do anything about it. She said she had a dream the other day that was extremely vivid, “like a movie”, where she saw my dad verbally abusing someone and as she looked closer she realized it was me. She said she woke up and felt horrible because she remembered a time when I was around 18, my dad was putting me down verbally as he always did back then. I couldn’t take my dads verbal abuse anymore so I walked away from him crying. I didn’t know how to stand up to him, so I tried to get away from him but he followed me to my room. She said I went into my closet, sat on the floor in a fetal position crying my eyes out while my dad towered over me and continued to use all his rage to verbally abuse me. I was basically a child. I had no one. The people who I thought were supposed to love me were hurting me. Some people think verbal abuse isn’t “that bad” but it’s worse….10 times worse… than physical abuse.

I had blocked that memory out but I could tell my body remembered because I started to feel unwell when my mom brought it up. My brain was still searching for that memory but my body was starting to react the way it does when it senses danger and I felt my heart rate go up right away.

Basically my body remembered how I felt in that moment. I was screaming for help on the inside. It felt like an emotional murder was happening. The happy innocent child was dying. Obviously a lot of trauma came from those moments that were repeated weekly for several years. I’ve had to do the work as a grownup to repair all the damage. Most people never do the work but I wanted to break the generational cycle.

Anyway, my mom sat across the sofa wiping away tears, saying that she remembered just standing by the door watching it happen and she feels so awful that she didn’t do anything. “She didn’t protect me.”

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” she kept saying while she cried uncontrollably.

I forgave her. I told her we were different people back then. All of us. We acted according to our limitations. We’ve grown since then. We need to forgive each other and who we used to be. I don’t judge my parents on who they used to be. I just needed an apology.

My dad called me years ago out of the blue and apologized. He said spending time away meditating by the beach helped him see how he could’ve been a better father and he was sorry that he hadn’t been. I forgave him. He didn’t get into specifics and I didn’t want him to. He knew and I knew.

His life and his new wife in Mexico have changed him for the better. I never thought it would happen but… he’s changed. We get along well now even if we’re not super close.

My dad came over to visit the day after my mom and I had our heart to heart. He visits us every few months. He brought the girls candy, and we sat around and looked at old photographs for a while. My mom gave him a letter from his mom that he had forgotten about. He cried when he saw it. He loved his mom. She died when he was 17 and what kills him the most is that she had something to tell him and he didn’t make it back in time to find out what it was. One day I hope to find out what that was for him.

I made him lunch to take on the road. I prepared stir fry meat, made a strawberry cheese salad, added refried beans, a croissant bread, 3 home made chocolate chip cookies, a bottle of water and a yogurt. He seemed really happy and thanked me twice. I think my dad and I speak in an unspoken language sometimes.

Well after I had forgiven my mom, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. We hugged and said goodnight.

I’ve noticed that I am so much nicer to my mom now. It just comes naturally. I think it would’ve killed her to continue to silently live with the guilt and it would’ve killed me to continue to live with the resentment. I’m at peace now.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Human trafficking & appearing on the News

So it all started last Wednesday. I took Layla with me to run errands. We stopped at the DMV but it was closed due to Cesar Chavez Day. We then headed to Home Goods where I picked up a few essentials for our bathroom. Let me just say my local Home Goods is heavenly. They were overstocked with amazing stuff.

At 4 pm I took Layla with me to my first Yoga class. growing up in a cult religion Yoga was “off-limits.” It was “bad.” Many articles were written from our religious leaders to scare us away from ever trying out such a “devilish practice.” Was it devilish though? Well I tried it and it was not devilish at all. I did not have to put my mind in a blank state. It was soothing, and calming. You are connecting with yourself, your body, your breathing, your emotions. It’s very healthy In so many ways. Sometimes I think back at the things I was made to be scared of and I laugh a little.

After We finished our snacks we walked out through the shopping plaza. Thats where things got weird. I noticed two young guys standing in front of a ROSS store (wearing all black) with an older women whispering something to one of them. She walked away as soon I came by. One of the guys approached me and asked me if I had some money to give him so they could get something to eat. He said that he and his friend were traveling from Jalisco Mexico to Colorado but the lady who was supposed to take them wouldn’t arrive until the next day. Everything seemed suspicious. I told him I didn’t have any cash on me and kept walking.

As soon as we left, Layla and I went to watch The Croods part 2 at the movie theatre. It was such a cool experience to finally see a movie at the movie theatre again. I have to say The Croods 2 was hilarious and visually pleasing. I felt that everyone wanted to clap when the movie finished. You could feel the excitement in the room. I should’ve started the clapping for the hell of it. I mean it’s been a whole year since we’ve done this so Hell Yeah that deserves a clap in my opinion.

Well it seems that the guys from ROSS and that lady followed me. After Layla and I left the movie theatre we headed to Walmart since I needed to get some groceries. That’s where things got weird.

It was about 9 pm when I walked into the Walmart with Layla. I felt drugged… as if I was on some sort of cocaine stimulant. I felt overly energetic and loud. Layla seemed to have the opposite effect. She seemed sedated. I had her lie down inside the main part of the shopping cart.

I then ran through the Walmart racing the shopping cart around while talking really fast. I would break the shopping cart if I saw people nearby as I didn’t want to hit them. It seemed like I was nascar driving it though.

I was at the produce section getting lettuce when the guy from ROSS walks straight up to me. He had no shopping cart or items in his hand. He said “Hi how are you?” I leaned in closer to him, squinted my eyes and said “aren’t you the guy from ROSS??!!” I was really hyper. He shrugged a little embarrassed it seemed and nodded yes.

He then proceeded to give me a story on how the police didn’t let them stay at the ROSS anymore and this “nice lady” who was helping them out gave them a ride and brought them to Walmart.

He only made himself look more suspicious. He then asked me for money again. I told him I couldn’t give him any money because my family needed it more. He asked if I had a husband and when I told him no, he asked for my number. I said “Oh No NO no…!! I don’t hAVe timE for THaT!! I have to look after all of my family – definitely not, no! I don’t have time to date!” I was very dramatic without wanting to be. I also felt that I gave him “crazy eyes” a few times accidentally. I was so hyped up and not like myself. He told me I was pretty. “Oh you can find pretty things anywhere,” I told him matter of factly. Then I told him I had to cut the conversation short because I needed to hurry and finish grocery shopping since I had a long way home. He said he understood. I asked him his name. He said his name was Juan. “I’m Denise” I said as I firmly shook his hand and added, “Well take care and good luck on your trip to Colorado!”

He said thanks and told me I was pretty one last time. “Yes thank you! I mean No- I mean thanks !” I said laughing a little. He looked a little weirded out but smiled and nodded before walking away.

I continued to zoom through the aisles with the shopping cart and talk loudly to myself while Layla seemed completely un phased and sedated. At one point I loudly said “DO I REALLY NEED TOMATOES?! … I DONT THINK SO !!!! ….but I do need CUCUMBERS!!!” A lady passing by with her kids, raised her eyebrows and smiled. One of her kids came over and stood right in front of me. He seemed about 17. I was feeling each cucumber to make sure I didn’t take any soft ones and this young kid just stood there making me feel uncomfortable. I started giving him a disgusted look and he finally walked away. Like honey, leave me and my cucumbers alone! This is private. Jesus. He was making it really awkward.

People seemed to think I was funny though the way I talked and ran around the Walmart. I can say I have never acted like that in my life so it was pretty bizarre. I paid for our groceries and then got my self defense tool out before walking to the parking lot with Layla. I didn’t see the guy from ROSS anymore but when I got to my car I saw one guy in his car behind mine and one guy in his car in front of my car. It seemed a little strange but I didn’t pick up bad vibes. I protected Layla by putting the grocery cart in front of her and giving her the weapon to hold. I then put the groceries in the trunk of my Jeep as fast as I could. Looking back I should’ve just had security escort me to my car. Anyway, I got Layla in safely, as well as myself and I locked the car as soon as we were in. I noticed there was double the normal security outside as well as police officers in tan suits. Then again that Walmart is known for criminal activity at night.

Thankfully we got home safe and I didn’t see anyone tail gating or following me. My brother later told me my car door handles could’ve been laced with drugs while I was at the movie theatre.

This incident made me more aware on ways to protect and defend myself. I will be getting my CCW Permit soon to carry a glock gun on me. I’m honestly excited about it. If anyone tries following me around again they’re going to be saying hello to my little friend.

There is also a keychain from invisawear.com that texts up to 5 contacts your exact location. You can hang it on your pants and it looks like a normal keychain. I also like the alarm keychain that makes an ear piercing noise. There’s nothing like the glock though if you ask me. I’m ready to be Laura Croft: Tomb Raider.

The following day I met my friend at a trendy Hotel restaurant. We met when we were part of a pyramid scheme two years ago. Thank goodness we finally saw through it and left at the same time. I met so many great people though.

My friend Esme surprised me with two gift bags for me “just because.” It was so unexpected but also super nice. I was kicking myself for not bringing her something too. It’s really the little things that make the world go round.

We literally spent 12 hours talking that day. She’s PuertoRican and I don’t know what I am except Spaniard-Mexican…but we both talk a lot.

Well we were sitting at the table talking, enjoying our cheeseburgers and cheesecake, when a news reporter comes up to me and asks me if I knew that the First Lady Jill Biden had spent the night in the hotel and had just left. I had no idea. He asked if I had any words with her or any interaction at all. He asked if I had been at her Cesar Chavez event the day before. I had not and neither had my friend. The news reporter was about to turn away when he turned back towards me suddenly and asked, “Can I interview you?”

I was startled but replied “Sure! I just don’t know what I’m going to say.” He assured me that I didn’t need to worry. He would ask the questions and fix it up so we would look good. He asked me to put the microphone piece on my suit blazer and began recording me. Basically I talked about how I noticed Black SUVs outside on the side of the hotel as well as police cars so I figured someone important was at the hotel but I had no idea it was Jill Biden. When he Interviewed my friend Esme he asked her if she was excited to know Jill Biden had just been in the hotel. She replied, “Honestly I was more excited to see my friend…but she did tell me something about some SUVs and I was like, ‘hmm what’s going on??’”

Those were the clips the news reporter decided to put on the news. My friend and I had a good laugh at what we said and the fact that we happened to be on the news so randomly that day.

Truth is though…I don’t like getting into political things because it’s such a touchy subject. I have friends from both sides. Personally though my friend and I like Trump but we’re respectful of other peoples choices. I feel that people should be able to like anything including mustard on apple sauce and people shouldn’t judge someone on their choices. I don’t like the division politics creates.

I also think that Jill Biden is most likely a very nice woman. It was an interesting experience to be on the news. We were a bit nervous but thankfully you couldn’t tell.

As we continued to eat our food, we noticed secret service and military personnel walking out of the hotel.

Also an interesting fact about the Padre Hotel where we had lunch: they say the 7th floor is haunted. Particularly room 704.

Many tragedies have happened at the hotel including fires and earthquakes trapping young children into their premature death. The hotel was bought by a couple of business men from San Diego and began its remodeling in 2002. It was finished and reopened by 2010. It is referred to as a “boutique hotel” and also known as the “gem” of Bakersfield California. As soon as you step inside you know it’s a luxury experience. It’s not just luxury though. They did an amazing job at combining luxury with a trendy modern feel. I wouldn’t expect anything less from San Diego Designers though.

Despite it being haunted I just might go back for the food. Ugh and the vibe. It’s such a beautiful Hotel. They also have a type of night club that might be reopening later this year. I’m somewhat skeptical of going to a night club because of the things that can happen but at the same time it’s on my bucket list as I’ve never properly partied at a night club before and the young person stuck in me wants to live out that experience. I’ll just take my glock to be safe. I’ll be like an undercover party goer. I would obviously not drink or eat anything there unless I see it being prepared and I would never leave my drink unattended. Party rules 101 right?? Ugh. This reminds me… I want to go to IBIZA so bad. That’s big time on my bucket list. Big time big time. Imagine being on a plane with a bunch of friends and hyped up people ready to party?? One can only dream…

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Maybe China was right

I saw a tiktok yesterday where a mother was asked by her son what advice would she give to her younger self. She answered “Don’t get married, don’t have kids.” It was a funny video but the viewers could tell she was not entirely joking.

The comments were going off and I couldn’t disagree with the people saying Marriage and children drain women (and men.) I’ve been saying this for years now… DONT HAVE KIDS LOL. Do I love my child? Oh absolutely. I adore her. I don’t regret having her at all. Was I ready to have her? No. No, I wasn’t.

I’ve been Mickey mousing it, as most of us do. I have read all kinds of parenting books and googled the shizload out of everything. It’s like getting a doctors degree! I have done things that broke me just to make sure she’s ok. I also put my body through hell for her (and I still need that tummy tuck because no it’s not a badge of honor for me Susan. If it were up to me Tummy tucks would be FREE after giving birth. Who’s with me?)

Anyway, I’m not the perfect parent as no one is, but dammit I try. I try to make time to read her “chika chika boom boom” at night, I cuddle with her when she wants me to, I take her with me to run errands and she loves singing songs in the car with me. She’s a real person. Her life is literally in my hands. I think about that all the time. If I mess up… then I’ll ruin her life.

I’m trying to make sure I don’t ruin this. There’s a couple of learning blocks when raising a human being. Those blocks are: raising a child emotionally, socially, financially and academically.

In a perfect world people would only be allowed to have a child similar to the process of buying a new home: can you afford it and what’s your credit score? only those qualified would be allowed to have a child. However in the world we live in there are zero limits as to who can have a child and how many. Why? Political reasons but sssshhhh we won’t get Into that. No one is ready for that answer.

My point is I think China was right with the one child policy. Maybe entrepreneurs and business owners would be granted more children depending on certain factors like income, emotional stability and being clean from drug addictions. This policy would weed out all the people definitely not ready for children and would therefore eliminate so much child suffering and abuse, not to mention the huge problem Los Angeles has with their foster child placement system. They have way more children than people who can take them in. In a perfect world people wouldn’t be allowed to just procreate without a license but that’s just my two cents. Young women would have their tubes tied at puberty and untied only when the required criteria to have a child has been met. The tube process would be free and covered by our state taxes. I’m sorry, I really get into this. Does anyone want me to run for mayor or Vice President ? Haha…I’m kidding…but I am passionate about changing the world and changing the way we have kids.

When people have too many kids it’s almost impossible to give each child a high quality of life in all areas needed. It’s simply careless and irresponsible to churn them out like a factory. It happens though. Not because people are careless but mainly because there are no laws in place. There’s no direction. People normally need direction in life.

With one child only you’re able to give them a dream life much more easily than if you had 9 children. I’d much rather give Layla a dream life than to give 9 children a mediocre life at best.

The thing with children is… you will never stop worrying about them until the day you die. You also have no idea who you’re going to birth. It could be Darla from the little rascals or it could be Freddy Kruger. Let’s spin the wheel of fortune. I just don’t think people understand how serious having children is. I would never judge anyone for deciding not to have children. This isn’t Disneyland folks. This is planet earth where Hell & Heaven collide. Yes, heaven and hell exist… here on earth. Those who decide to have children here have some really big shoes to fill and “May the force be with them.”

Again, If there’s one thing China got right… it’s the one child policy for me. Tell me I’m wrong…but there’s a reason moms drink wine all day.

I’ve been getting Layla ready by telling her not to have children until she’s ready in all areas. I want her life to be better. I’m also not trying to have grand babies to take care of. Honey, when I retire I’m not watching no ones kids. I’ll be on vacation traveling the world thank you very much.

I wasn’t born to run a daycare. I love children, they’re precious and holding them for an hour is fine, but I got things to do, places to be. Life is short and I’m trying to enjoy every minute. Changing diapers and hearing loud crying isn’t “lit”…I can do it once maybe twice (raising a child that is) but definitely not more than that. I’m just keeping it real. I think most women weren’t born to run a daycare and they only realize it once they’re stuck with an army of kids. It’s too late to go back at that point.

I’m at the point of my life where Layla is growing up. She’s 8 years old. She’s almost completely self sufficient. Wanna know something though? I hardly ever tell anyone this but…I’ve been cleaning diapers and poop for the last 8 years of her life. She was born with a digestive disorder and it was something really hard for the both of us to go through. I can’t imagine adding more kids to the mix after that. The good news is her condition is getting better after doing probiotic enemas on her. She basically had very little good gut bacteria, suffered with constipation all the time and couldn’t digest a lot of foods properly. For years I tried everything… prunes, juices, probiotics in yogurts and powders, suppositories, laxatives, diet changes, massages, and everything else under the sun. A month ago I sat alone with my thoughts and pondered on a probiotic enema. I got to work researching it and found out it could be the missing puzzle piece. So far I have administered two probiotic enemas on Layla with very positive results. Her body is showing progress and reacting favorably. I’m very hopeful and excited to have cracked a code and help her make a full health recovery.

She was feeling so good today after emptying out her bowels – she feels absolutely terrible when constipated – but today she was a chatter mouth. I absolutely love it. She told me she wants to have toothbrushes as “merch” for her YouTube Chanel and she wants balloons on them as the “logo”. I swear to God I don’t know where she gets all this from. She’s always talking business.

Then a few minutes later she walks into my room, looks me in the eye with a stern seriousness usually only adults have, and says, “Mommy you should just do YouTube. You don’t need to do any other kind of work.” I was a little surprised. It almost felt like an angel was speaking through her. I stammered a little and said ok.

The thing is I love creating content, and I always have a lot to say. I love finding the best movies, music, clothes, restaurants, travel spots, and everything anyone could think of and sharing it. I feel deep down it’s what I was made for. I felt like an angel was giving me a push. A stern push but a push.

I have my life insurance license and I obviously don’t plan on skipping out on that but I would love to do both things. I do believe in God and angels speaking through people.

Changing the subject…I saw a video on tiktok where a girl proposed the following: going on a year of airbnb trips with other tiktok girls and becoming besties. The comments went crazy. Girls were saying they would be down for it, and everyone was brain storming. A girl came up with a sign up list and shared the link. Me being the Aries that I am, I signed up for it. I wouldn’t do the full year as I obviously have a family but I would do one month for sure. Are you kidding me? It sounds like the experience of a lifetime! Tiktok girls traveling and YouTubing the experience?? Sign me UPPPPP!!! I swear to God this sounds like a movie script in the making. Hell I’d be the one to turn it into a book and movie. I don’t know how my mom would feel about it since she relies so much on me being home but I’d promise to FaceTime every night and send her all the money she needs. My only question is: how safe would this be? I guess I’ll think about that over the next few days.

Ps. I think my self defense instructor definitely has a crush on me. Yesterday he was accidentally knocking things over after saying hi to me. Then he said “good morning” when it was 7 pm to a kid walking in. He laughed and apologized. It was kind of funny. He also gave me hand sanitizer that smelled like men’s cologne. It was the strangest thing. My hands literally smelled like men’s cologne. I almost wonder if he dropped some of his cologne into the sanitizer bottle. Through out the class he would smile at me and afterwards he sent me a sweet text message telling me he didn’t get a chance to say bye to me and that he likes my passion and dedication in class. I’m flattered but a little confused. He’s Korean and he runs the Tae-Kwon do studio. I would never imagine a Korean guy would be interested outside of their race. It just seems pretty ballsy of him. Anyway I’m always fascinated at what guys do when they’re falling in love. I swear to God he put something in the sanitizer bottle. I let my mom smell my hands when I got home and she made a face right away and said “that’s men’s cologne. He wants you to think of him.”

Thanks for reading,

Denise

Is anxiety normal?

Is anxiety and fear a normal part of life in the world we live in? I’ve thought about this and realized that it just might be. Of course for each person it ranges. Personally I hardly feel anxiety or fear but I still have the normal doubts and fears about life just like any normal person.

The thing is no one on this earth has it made. I don’t care if they live in Switzerland with the alpacas or if they’re billionaires in Dubai. No human being has it made. In the back of everyone’s mind there’s the fear that whatever we have could be gone tomorrow.

I’ve realized that our existence on this earth isn’t always the most peaceful one but we have to learn to hone that peace in ourselves while we are here.

How? By connecting with our emotional / spiritual side. By feeling our feelings and reflecting on them. By taking control of them little by little. By taking control of our thoughts. Over the years I’ve done things that have helped me in this area. I’ve cleaned my entire inner body. I’ve detoxed my pineal gland, I’ve done a colon cleanse, a gut cleanse (it’s very important to put the good bacteria back in when done!) and I’ve also taken lithium orotate as well as other supplements like kava-kava for relaxation.

I’ve learned to live with the small anxiety and fear that will most likely always be there. Obviously that’s optimal to have only a small amount but it’s taken years to get to that point. It takes self control to master ones emotions.

Sometimes we think that when we reach a certain life milestone that then we will we be truly happy and at peace. I’ve learned that it’s most likely not the case. There will always be a tiny bit (at least) of uncertainty. However life is still wonderful and worth living. You just have to learn to tell those nagging thoughts to shut – the – front – door =)

Anyway, moving on to another subject: I’ve thought about the situation with my massage therapist and I’m going to tell him (the next time I see him) that I only want my back, arms, and legs massaged. Hopefully we can continue to have normal sessions or I’ll have to end it. The thing is I’m not anyone’s play toy…I know I’m giving up the chance to have a passionate sensual experience for once in my life…and who knows it might be stupid to give this up because I might never have this chance again…after all he’s experienced when it comes to the human body and how it works and very few people can say they’re experienced in that department – most don’t know what they’re doing. Heck I don’t even know what I’m doing but I don’t feel I need to since I’m not active in that department. And then there’s the fact that I never go out and meet anyone. but life is a gamble and I’m not willing to be anyone’s play toy. At least I don’t have to worry about catching feelings, STDs, or pregnancy. I know I know… I’m boring. La-dee-DaH.

Anyway, I’ve been reading a book lately about health and wellness and it’s opening my eyes to something quite interesting…a hundred years ago most people’s diets in rural places consisted of a few main things such as milk, eggs, cheese, butter, meat / seafood and vegetables. More or less however they didn’t have many different dishes to eat as we do now. They didn’t have grocery stores or 5 star restaurants. They had the same items they ate mostly every day. You want to know the truly outstanding part? THEY WERE HEALTHY PEOPLE. They had perfect skin, hair and teeth even after having 26 children. They enjoyed their life… that is until western American food and groceries were brought into their village. Their health slowly crumbled after that.

My parents were raised in Mexico and they remember drinking milk straight from the cows, buying vegetables from the neighbors gardens, as well as chickens. Both my parents were incredibly healthy and had 8 healthy children. Then my parents started to give in to the American diet and healthcare in their 30s. My mom got antibiotics a few times, messed up her gut microbiome, and her health began to decline after that. I will be doing a blog post of how to heal your gut as that is one of the main reasons behind so many illnesses and diseases.

I’ve decided that I want to eat like villagers from the early 1900s. I want real milk, eggs, butter and cheese. I want fresh seafood from the port and grass fed beef (my local deli has the best rib eye steak) as well as home grown veggies. I will still eat out as “cheat days” but that will be more of a treat and not an every day lifestyle.

The real minerals and vitamins are in real fat soluble food according to this book I’m reading. I know many gym goers take mineral supplements to aid in muscle repair and while it definitely does it’s job in giving them gorgeous health (minerals aid in healthy skin hair and eyes) Id rather get the minerals from the real food source. I will most likely still supplement with minerals but my main focus will be actual real food. I will be updating how that journey goes.

I signed up today to get self defense classes from a tae-kwon-do instructor. He’s been Layla’s instructor since last summer. This year, with the job field I’m getting into, I decided I need to have a good self defense technique – just in case. I’ll be going into peoples homes as part of my job, by myself. Mostly I think I should be ok, but just in case I ever get a weird one, I feel better knowing I can defend myself.

I think the instructor has a crush on me though. He’s been giving me free classes since last year, to “try it out” and when the trial period is over he extends the free trial period. I’m just glad I’ll be getting lessons from one of the best instructors in the area. I have my first self defense class tonight and I’m pretty excited.

A few days ago Layla & I ate at Hook Burger and it was so nice to finally dine in again here in California. The customer service was phenomenal as well as the food. definitely recommend.

I’m loving the matching sets right now – this one is from Target and it was $30 for both pant and sweater. The sandals are Adidas (from last summers collection.) with Target you kind of have to get there first because their great items sell out fast and they’re usually limited in quantity. Once they’re gone they’re usually gone. This purple sweat suit set is perfect in color and even more perfect in texture – it’s the softest thing In the world. I will not be putting it in the dryer because it might ruin it. I’ll just run it through the washer machine and hang it up to dry in the bathroom. I want it to last for as long as possible. I’m literally so obsessed with good clothes haha.

Favorite song right now: “Jenny (I want to ruin our friendship)” by Studio Killers

I love music and I pride myself in having the best playlists. I just might share my Apple playlists soon.

Thanks for reading,

Denise