What I’ve Learned about Healthy Relationships

Last year I had my last toxic relationship. I smile when I think about it because I picture myself kissing it goodbye with a big smile. I learned the knowledge necessary to stop the cycle from being repeated all through out my life.

Many people are born into toxic environments/ families and it’s what they’ve been conditioned to accept and even crave. It’s what’s “comfortable.” I was raised in a dysfunctional family as many people are. In the past year I had to learn to re-program what I’m attracted to.

After that toxic relationship was over I went into a healthy relationship – the healthiest one I’ve ever had.

I ignored this new person at first even though I thought he was nice and handsome – he has amazing green eyes and the sweetest smile. I just wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship though. Anyway, he persisted and eventually after about a month and a half I finally started to see him differently.

The truth is I needed the love and affection he showered me with. I just didn’t know how to accept that love. I also didn’t know what it felt like to be truly adored but once I did…It changed me. Let’s just say you can get used to a good thing.

I was covered in all these warm happy feelings consistently for months – this is “the honey moon” period of healthy relationships. There were no mind games, just love, honesty, friendship, and laughs. Everything was so transparent, and easy…I felt safe with him from the start. I’ve always known that I could be myself around him. If anything he matches my weird haha.

For months we were blissful. At times I felt weird though. “Why is everything so…calm ?” I wondered. “Am I not in love ?” I questioned myself. I almost wanted to end it. I was so used to the highs and lows of toxic relationships. I had to keep doing self work and learn to accept that healthy relationships look and feel different. I had to fight the urge to run.

It’s been over half a year and we still talk every day. I love this person so much…like I “wuv” him ha-ha. He’s one of my best friends but we can’t be together. The factors that keep us from being together are out of our control (religion and distance.) Recently he told me he would propose marriage if distance wasn’t an issue. Religion is a big factor too. Still, he taught me what it is to have a healthy relationship. I can’t ever go back to a toxic one after knowing what a healthy relationship is like.

He taught me how important it is to be friends first. He didn’t rush in, he took his time, and let the friendship blossom. We didn’t say anything about liking each other or sending sexy emojis until months later. We just talked daily and enjoyed our friendship. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had.

We both know the most we can offer each other is friendship and for us that’s good enough. I’m his happiness and he’s mine. The only reason I would stop communicating with him is if I got in a serious relationship or the person Im getting to know wants to be exclusively dating. Otherwise I don’t see a reason to cut off ties with my best friend. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and I never will. So if I had to stop talking to him I would. The thought of not talking to him makes me kinda sad though. I know it makes him sad too. When we went on a little break a few months ago, he nearly lost his mind and didn’t care if I knew it. He sent me the cutest video. I cried while brushing my teeth. We were both heart broken. We’re better when we talk to each other. Life just feels right that way.

I can’t speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself since I’ve already done so much of the inner work which has allowed me to be open to giving men a chance even if I don’t feel that I’m really “into them.” I know that my feelings can change or evolve with time. I realize women who haven’t done the inner work will find it hard to be friends first and that’s really a shame because friendship is the base for everything.

I’d rather enjoy people’s personalities and vibe with them as friends first instead of being so caught up in where a relationship is going or jumping into it too fast. Actually I think the worst thing anyone can do is go too fast.

People (in the U.S. primarily) are so afraid of being “friend zoned” and that’s a legitimate fear because many men and women will ignore someone who is too good to them, due to a dysfunctional upbringing. That’s why it’s important to reprogram our attachment styles and what we’re attracted to. Otherwise the dysfunction keeps going around in loops. We have to normalize being friends again.

I don’t believe you can find love on a dating app because respectable high value people are usually not on those apps. Men (and some women) use them as hook up apps – not “dating apps.” Real love doesn’t start on an app where people are lined up like animal cattle basically saying “pick me, pick me!” Or “swipe right on me!” It’s just not organic. There is always the exception but for the most part these are not dating apps…they are hook-up apps.

So where do you find respectable high value people? Anywhere really. The question is actually more so: Will you be the one to say hello first ? a lot of people have too much pride and fear of rejection to initiate a simple conversation. In reality it just takes saying hello and making a little conversation with people when you go out. Smile. Say something nice. It really doesn’t take a lot to get the ball moving. There’s no harm in wanting to be friends.

Things I think people should stop doing: friends with benefits. Why is there benefits when they haven’t been earned? From what I hear women aren’t even “pleased” properly or at all in these interactions. Are they really even friends? Most of the time: No. it’s the most absurd arrangement I’ve ever heard of. Something my dad told me when I was young was: never take crumbs from a man. Being friends with benefits is definitely crumbs. I can’t think of a “crumb-y-er” thing. No pun intended.

Number two. I wish people would stop idealizing and fantasizing a person before they even really know them. That’s probably the fastest way to “miserable town.” As much as you want to imagine how great your life can be with someone, stop and remember that they are a normal flawed person. Until they prove what they can actually do for you don’t ever put them on a pedestal. I wouldn’t put them on a pedestal even after that…but I would probably give them a hug. I’m kidding I’m kidding. (I have dry humor haha.)

Lastly, don’t kiss anyone right away. The chemicals that get released from kissing will make you think you like that person more than you actually do. You want to make sure you actually like each other.

Also worth mentioning…So many people are frustrated with the dating scene lately and sort of welcome the idea of arranged marriages. These are arranged not forced meaning both people agree to the marriage.

The downside of arranged marriages is obviously that you won’t get to know each other very well until later on in the marriage. For me that doesn’t work. I want to make sure it’s my best friend before agreeing to something like that. I also want them to earn my love and body. I wanna see that work being put in haha.

For a lot of people though, their dating problems would be solved easily if they focused on being friends. Maybe I should start a work shop where I teach people how to reprogram their toxic tendencies, unblock their chakras, and learn to start a relationship as friends.

I hope in the future I can help people with their dating troubles. The world needs it.

Thanks for reading,

Denise

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