Hey there. It’s been a while. It’s October 25th and it’s 6 am. It’s dark outside and the house is quiet. Everyone is sound asleep. Im normally not a morning person but this is the second time in a row my body wakes me up at ungodly hours as if an oven timer has gone off. BAM. I’m wide awake. So I decided I would write. My fingers have been itching to write a new post anyway. I always have so many things I want to write down and what a shame if I didn’t write them. It’s almost as bad as dressing up with no one to see you.
Anyway, lately I’ve been reflecting on so many things. 2019 was a dumpster ride for a lot of people, myself included (I probably made it look good though lol.) 2020 has just been strange. I would say that’s the appropriate word for 2020: strange.
I would’ve never imagined what 2020 would bring to my life personally. I’m going to get a little personal here. I started the year by closing our family business. I had tried to save it but it was like a car rolling down a hill with the wheels falling off. Quite honestly I wish I wouldn’t have tried to save it through all of 2019. Sometimes you die more inside trying to save something toxic. This applies to relationships as well. My advice: don’t do it. Save yourself.
I had helped our family business grow to heights we had never seen… for some reason I thought my family would be proud, maybe a little grateful. While my parents recognized my work, praised me a few times, and made me a shareholder and CFO, and later General Manager… I knew they weren’t actually grateful. In their core they wished my brother would’ve been the one making these strides and accomplishing what I was. My dad told me he really wished my brother would’ve ran the whole thing… instead it was me. Somehow that was a disappointment. In my parents eyes it wasn’t supposed to be me. Yes, they recognized that I solved a lot of the company problems and I made a lot of progress for the company financially but… it wasn’t supposed to be me. Eventually my brother ran the business down and left. My parents didn’t stop him in the years he ran it down. If they had a weak spot it was called “my brother.” I call him “The golden boy” because that’s how my parents saw him. They might not have liked how he acted and the decisions he made but they loved him. I love him too but from a distance.
When it was over, it was like dust setting after a magnitude 8 earthquake. You look around a little traumatized, your fingers shaking, your heart beating. That’s it. It’s over. It’s gone, you think. You have to start over, make a new life.
Only business owners can understand what it’s like to pour your life into a business. All the cuts and punches you take for a business. All the worry and head breaking you do for a business. All the sacrifice, and over time you put in. Even when you’re home you’re working on your business. It’s your baby, all you can think about. When our company was dismantling I dealt with so much embarrassment. It was such a contrast from its once glorious days. No one should ever have to go through that. I was so intent in saving something toxic though. If I could go back and talk to that worried, lost soul I was I would tell her “Leave. It’s ok. You’ve done enough. This is toxic. You can’t fix toxic.”
February of 2020 felt like someone died in my soul. The realization that our family business was dead and gone had set in. I felt dazed and gone mostly. I ran some errands some days but mostly I stayed home in bed.
The mailed piled up. I didn’t seem to care about anything. I couldn’t seem to accomplish even a small task anymore. I learned about Cults during this time. What an eye opener that was. Financial and religious Cults are practically everywhere. As Tupac once said “There should be a class on scams, there should be a class on religious cults.” People think they can’t be fooled yet… they don’t know what a cult really is. I used to think I knew… and I wrong.
Then quarantine started in March and In a way I felt relieved. The world as a WHOLE had to rest from their chaotic lives and stay home. No one would ask me questions because everything became “Covid-19/quarantine.” I was relieved.
Things started to intensify with riots and such things and I began to wonder if maybe I should start dating before the world ended. So I joined a dating app for the first time in my life and I met a really handsome love avoidant.
A love avoidant is someone who desperately wants love, and intimacy but at the same time doesn’t want it and fears it like the devil. This back and forth pulling stems all the way back from infancy and childhood. We are essentially programmed since babies/children on how to love another person but unfortunately some people don’t learn this in a healthy normal way. Most parents don’t know what they’re doing when raising a child emotionally. No one is to blame. It’s just life.
Dating this love avoidant sort of … woke me up from the funk I was in though. I actually really loved him. Which is odd because I don’t easily fall in love. I loved how handsome he was obviously… and I loved how weird he was. We were both 34 year old Aries, artistic, foodies, intellectuals, with a sense of humor, from similar family backgrounds, and raised on similar values. He was so much like me.
Then I cried every time things were over. You know the ugly crying … and the cussing because I was also mad things were over and blamed myself. Then I would realize it wasn’t my fault and that none of us are too defective to love. In fact it’s the opposite, there’s someone for everyone no matter how defective we are. Eventually we’d get back together and then inevitably break up again.
I wanted things to work out but he couldn’t even tell me he liked me. At the same time he would show me he loved me. He gave me money (he insisted it was for the gas I used to meet him on our date), a dozen red roses, nice dates and the most unique compliments – he noticed the little things about me. We both seemed crazy about each other… but he was hot and cold and I couldn’t take that.
He wanted to at least stay friends. I wanted to as well but I knew we weren’t meant to be friends. We could never be friends. We were way too attracted to each other to ever just be friends. Plus he had the annoying tendency of “ghosting” me after being triggered by something and then coming back later. So I said goodbye.
In the time that followed our final break up I realized that it’s OK to love someone toxic. It’s NOT ok is to stay there and let them run you over with their Toxic Tonka Truck. I have this voice in me that tells to never give up on anyone or anything and I’ve had to reprogram that in myself. I’d rather save myself than let pieces of me die while trying to save what’s toxic. Looking back, I’m glad we dated, he helped wake me up from my funk and made me want to LIVE again. Thanks to him I also discovered what the world of love attachment is. It’s fascinating to know about it because all of us usually fall in one of the attachments: Anxious, Fearful, Dismissive, or Secure. I really do empathize for avoidant’s and hope they all start their healing journey so they can engage in healthier relationships. “Thais Gibson – school of personal development” on YouTube is a great start to learn about attachment styles.
I finally started to feel more like myself recently. I started to become the “busy bee” that I am, and rush to crush my to To-list. There’s so much I want to do and accomplish. My goal is to make people smile through the things I want to create and start.
Still 2020 has been strange. I’m still “technically” not working (even though I’m working my To-do list every day which feels like “work” except no one pays you lol.) What’s holding me over right now is unemployment but I don’t like depending on the government.
I applied to work at a place I’ve been dreaming of and it seems, after two interviews, they want to hire me. however I won’t know until at least a few more weeks after my background check passes and upper management approves for onboard hiring for the holiday season.
For now, I wake up as I have for the past months of this year, feeling a little odd. It’s odd to wake up and not go to work. Maybe it shouldn’t be so odd but I guess it is for me since that’s what I was used to. Every day feels like a “day off” from work. I always wondered what that would feel like… but when you aren’t filthy rich it just feels worrisome.
I’ve also become way more honest about myself this year. It’s almost shocking. I hold almost nothing back. The other day I told the lady at the check-out inside a clothing store (I was getting Jeans for Sophie and they’re seriously the cutest rainbow jeans for $15!!) that I wasn’t going to apply for the credit card she was offering me because “my credit is REALLY LOW right now. I’m not gonna get approved but thanks” I said matter of factly. I literally didn’t care who heard. And I really didn’t care what the check out lady thought. Actually she didn’t even bat an eyelash after I told her. She just wanted to sign me up so she could get some job perks.
The thing is I know my credit score doesn’t determine my value as a person. Nothing determines my value as a person except who I actually am as a person. My value as a person comes from how I treat people who can’t do anything for me, how I treat people who are “unlovable” by society, how I treat people who did me wrong, how I treat people who need my help, and how I treat MYSELF.
The real reason I’m more brutally honest about myself with others this year is because I understand that we’re all human beings. We all feel and think a lot of the same things. We all want a lot of the same things. We all experience a lot of the same things. So many of the things that make us “human” people are embarrassed about. Yet if someone voices it, almost everyone relates to it and feels comforted. I think there’s value in being transparent with the world.
I know Elections are coming up and the tension is rising a little. I don’t worry about the future very much though. I’ve seen the movie “Idiocracy” and hopefully that’s not where we’re headed but even if it were…I’m still not worried. I just make the best out of the situation I’m in. It’s all I can do. HOWEVER if our future turns out better than the movie “Idiocracy” then that’s a HUGE PLUS. Either way I’m still going hard on my To-do list ‘cause I got plans no matter what.
Let me end this post by saying that while I’m 34 and single, I’ve found a male friend who treats me really well. I guess I kind of glow because of it. Distance is a mother though. Still, I hope we are friends for a very long time. Also I never went back on a dating app… it’s a Cess Pool to me. “Hook up culture” as they call it. It’s not for me. But I found an app called “ Hey! Vina” where you make girl friends and it’s honestly so much more fun swiping for a new girlfriend to have brunch with who loves all things “business” and “to-do lists” as much as me. If she loves vacuum lines on the carpet it’s a plus lol.
Here’s to a strange year that even more strangely provided so much insight and perspective into my life.